A road less traveled

 

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost : The Road Not Taken -

Shadow work my love...it is the road less travelled due to its intensity.

A beautiful path and worthy journey nonetheless.

Its true Shadow work can be dangerous, mistakenly internalizing trauma, over sensationalizing suffering and identifying with shadow self due to bypassing ego death process can be disastrous. 

Shadow work requires Ego death, dark night of the soul and tower moments. These can be excruciatingly painful because every steps of this journey you have to walk alone.

Shadow work is when you are completely isolated and having a ruthless existential crisis.

Its like you're awake in a pitch black tunnel with no light and the end of the tunnel seems endless. 

But what most people do not realize is that, its steps are easy.

Its...one foot after another. In this case, its one foot before another, like that Christopher Nolan movie ; Tenet.

Going reverse while moving forward simultaneously, that's Shadow Work.

As an analogy : you have a chaotic marriage life. Disagreements, power play, guilt trip and blame shifting is a common occurrence in your household.

Doing shadow work is facing your own demon. Sans denial, accept that ; you're a horrible person. Your spouse is actually your teacher regardless of how many proof that they're the one who triggers and provokes the conflict at home.

Once you accept yourself. Its the beginning of an unconditional self love. Also the beginning of Ego Death. Whereby all your dreams are senseless, all your achievement is meaningless.

This is when things gets harder, more question arises, more shadow self emerges. You're beginning to fight with your own self but you also realizing that you operates in 3 way : the mind (Ego) the heart (Intuition) the body (Belief + Action).

You will experience the 'dark night of the soul'. The loneliest moment in your life. This is when faith to God plays and a  mandatory role. Wrong move this process may lead to suicidal thoughts. And i warn you. It is NOT a one time occurrence. It can be repeated over and over, it can be duplicate, it can multiply even. Its an ongoing process as long as you're alive. That is why spiritual should be the biggest part of our morale.

And then when you successfully overcome the dark night of the soul, came Tower moments. Its when you make decision based on the new understanding and awareness you gained. This is when you make changes that nobody else understand. You'll lose friends (you get from being your previous shadow self-not a exactly a loss), you might even estranged from your family.

At this point, you may be thinking "nope, polite pass. Im comfortable where i am"

I understand. 

Its a choice to be awaken or to remain dormant.

Its not a win or lose game.

Its just that, if you actually choose this path. 

You'll live your life with Awareness.

You'll realize your God.

You'll live the remaining of your life, with no suffering. Just hardship, but not suffering.

Your burden will be lighten, you'll walk through life light as a feather.

You smile genuinely, you see others as your own mirror - light. As in weight and brightness.

Walk through shadow work, and you live your life in Authenticity.

Not in competition with others, not trying to get to the next onto the next onto the next that eventually lead you to a lost cause.

Not focusing on hustling rather just being. Slow morning becomes apart of your routine. Sickness comes as exercise and trouble arrives as advantages.

That's what you'll get by doing shadow work.

So, where do we start?

Easy.

Take a deep look at the things or people you hated.

Like personally for me, i hate. I hate waiting. Im a type of person who do not go down without a fight even while waiting.

I would wail, complaint, seeks a type of oracle, asking around at uncalled times, i grunt, i become very restless.

Why? I do not usually get a quiet peaceful moments when i was little. Even when the surrounding is physically quiet, my mind isn't. It always run on survival mode of how i need to get away from the situation to survive.

By detecting what my triggers are, then i am able to ask prompt question to pursue a journaling method. From one question to the answer, another layer of answer peeled off layer after layer.

My despise to a state of dormancy is caused by unfamiliarity due to a no experience of it since childhood. 

The reason why i never experienced it because i have a chaotic household. Parents who fight and an propelled by alcoholism . 

Thats why i recommend the method of 'Bangau oh Bangau' when doing shadow work. Because it will lead you to the source of your trauma or friction or Klesha(lets save this concept in another storytelling time)

By accepting that your parents who caused you great despair in your life as an alcoholic you came to realize that alcohol is their coping mechanism to their own trauma or klesha too.

Just like the Bangau oh bangau rhyme : 

Bangau oh bangau kenapa engkau kurus
Macam mana aku tak kurus
Ikan tidak nak timbul
Ikan tidak nak timbul

Ikan oh ikan kenapa kau tak timbul
Macem mana aku tak timbul
Rumput panjang sangat
Rumput panjang sangat

Rumput oh rumput kenapa engkau panjang
Macam mana aku tak panjang
Kerbau tak makan aku
Kerbau tak makan aku

Kerbau oh kerbau kenapa tak makan rumput
Macam mana aku tak makan
Perut aku sakit
Perut aku sakit

Perut oh perut kenapa engkau sakit
Macam mana aku tak sakit
Makan nasi mentah
Makan nasi mentah

Nasi oh nasi kenapa engkau mentah
Macam mana aku tak mentah
Kayu habis basah
Kayu habis basah

Kayu oh kayu kenapa engkau basah
Macam mana aku tak basah
Hujan timpa aku
Hujan timpa aku

Hujan oh hujan kenapa timpa kayu
Macam mana aku tak timpa
Katak panggil aku
Katak panggil aku

Katak oh katak kenapa panggil hujan
Macam mana aku tak panggil
Ular nak makan aku
Ular nak makan aku

Ular oh ular kenapa nak makan katak
Macam mana aku tak makan
Memang makanan aku
Memang makanan aku.

In my own shadow work it goes like this :

Aku oh aku, kenapa engkau pemarah,

Macam mana aku tak pemarah,

Semua aku yang kena tanggung,

Semua aku yang kena tanggung.

Aku oh aku, kenapa kena tanggung semua,

Macam mana tak tanggung semua,

Lelaki tak boleh harap,

Lelaki tak boleh harap.

Aku oh aku, kenapa tak harap lelaki,

Macam mana nak harap lelaki,

Lelaki semua sama,

Lelaki semua sama.

Aku oh aku, kenapa lelaki semua sama,

Macam mana lelaki tak sama,

Semua tak bertanggungjawab,

Semua tak bertanggungjawab.

Aku oh aku kenapa lelaki semua tak bertanggungjawab,

Macam mana tak bertanggungjawab,

Macam bapa aku,

Macam bapa aku.

Aku oh aku, macam mana bapa engkau

Macam apa bapa aku,

Bapa tak jaga anak,

Bapa tak jaga anak,

Aku oh aku, kenapa bapa tak jaga anak,

Macam mana bapak nak jaga,

Bapak kuat mabuk,

Bapak kuat mabuk.

Aku oh aku, kenapa bapa kuat mabuk,

Macam mana bapak tak mabuk,

Bapak sudah ketagih,

Bapak sudah ketagih.

Aku oh aku, kenapa bapak ketagih,

Macam mana bapa tak ketagih,

Bapak rutin minum,

Bapak rutin minum.

Aku oh aku, kenapa bapa rutin minum,

Macam mana tak rutin minum,

Banyak benda nak dilupakan,

Banyak benda nak dilupakan.

Aku oh aku, kenapa bapak nak lupakan,

Macam mana tak dilupakan,

Kenangan terlalu perit,

Kenangan terlalu perit.

Aku oh aku, kenapa kenangan bapa perit

Macam mana tak perit,

Bapak yatim piatu,

Bapak yatim piatu.

Aku oh aku, kenapa bapak yatim piatu,

Macam mana tak yatim piatu,

Sudah nasib bapa,

Sudah nasib bapa.

Thats when i realized, my parents are struggling too.

But instead of doing shadow work (due to their lack of knowledge) they got lost in their shadow self : An alcoholic.

In the end. Its up to you if you want to venture towards the road less travelled. 

A question need answer on your own,

Do you want to live in Awareness?

Perkahwinan ialah ibadah paling panjang dan anak² ialah amanah.

 So...taylor swift just got engaged after two years with travis.

Fans starts looking for joe alwyn's reaction.

Obviously, taylor & joe is a true love story, but as a Sagittarius, taylor realizes that cinta tak bayar bil an analogy describing that just love is not enough. To have a long term relationship there's got to be an element of companionship which require : teamwork and all that comes along with it i.e organic solidarity instead of mechanical solidarity. (A sociology term explaining cohesion)

In simple terms, taylor married her fan ; travis. But her true love & romance experiences may always be with joe.

Anyway on the other side of the world, specifically close to home in Malaysia. We have the aesthetic doctor who cheats on his wife with someone else's wife. Happens to have the same zodiac as travis.

Wife forgives him tho' which i think is really smart because at this point she does not need a husband, she needs to withhold the financial gain from the marriage especially with kids, leaving a partner richer than you isn't exactly a smart move UNLESS he's spiralling down. As of now, he is suspended from work. Personally if it comes down to that, i would divorce him. That's an indicator he's bringing negative energy into the household.

Reminds me of a tiktok post saying, "a man's true color only emerges after marriage"

It's giving stucked hopeless mindset. For me, if that happens. You can still walk away. Divorce him.

But, with one condition, makes sure that he actually lied. And not because he is not up to your expectations.

Sometimes, we sabotage ourselves by having high hopes for people.

So. If travis and taylor didn't last, well. Thats that.

As a woman i say this, love yourself. A man will love you to death when they know you can walk away easily. So always be ready to walk away, anytime.

As a mother, have a loving relationship with our children, so we don't have to dig out their graves just to prove their cause of death.

'Free' does not mean 'Freedom'

Free can be, worthless. Buy 1 free 1 usually indicating items that are almost approaching or perhaps already reached its expiry date meaning...useless. No quality, stale or even broken.

Free can be zero, empty, no meaning, no value, nothing. As in 'free your mind' releasing it from any grip of thoughts, idea, meaning...which is not ideal because to stay rooted to our cause or purpose or destiny...we need to be 'Grounded' and that is the opposite of 'free'. An empty mind can be futile, as an analogy it would be like drifting in a washdown of tsunami but not realizing it and worst when we see others getting washdown too we regard them more as an accessories like branches or debris or rubbish rather than human being like us and we're still not worried and not Aware that we actually dying as the water kept rushing through on the second wave and caused a fatal crash ahead or drowning by surge. An empty mind does not even realize the number of lesson waiting to be learnt. A free mind passing through life never aware of the true meaning of life.

Free can be escapism from reality.

Free can be reckless. No proper planning towards spending in an economical context.

Free can be irresponsibility. 'Don't know, don't care' attitude.

Free can be lack of intimacy or honest connection. Which is the opposite of commitment in relationship context.

Free can be apathy. Not related or relevant to anyone or sentiments.

Free can be dormancy. As in making space for something to happen, just waiting for the next big thing. No purpose.

(Free)

(Freedom)

But Freedom....

Freedom is the relief from unhingedness.

Freedom is the graduation day after a 5 year long studies.

Freedom is the release from labels, perspective, interpretation, symbols, trauma, blueprints. Freedom is the release from the past, the future.

Freedom is self-power. 

Freedom is gained through decision and action plan.

Freedom is a Privilege.

Freedom is the openness untuk mengHADAPI ujian tanpa lari, pujuk(elak), membeku atau melawan. 

Freedom is like a Phoenix raising from the ashes after completely burnt. 

Freedom is sitting on a pedestal where there is no one else but you. 

Freedom is success at its core, in essence.

smoke.

 I think one of the reasons why people smoke cigarettes (apart from addiction) is because they relate it to something called 'inspiration'.

However through the spectacle of spiritualism, smoke coming from a burnt cigarette is giving the impression of what we call 'energy & vibration'.

The dance of a white, slow, steady, mesmerizing matter just floats in the air depending on the amount or existence of the breeze, folding it into a visible form yet untouched and majestically disappear before you know it.

A temporary occurrence yet while it lasts, is making a perfect performance.

That's what energy and vibration is, a temporary existence, ever-changing, relying on the current situation and yes...deeply inspiring.

And so i think that is the reason why some extraordinary poets such as lyricists and musicians always had a cigarette between their fingers and the same goes to the steam coming from a hot cup of coffee or...clouds & mist.

Its the peek a boo of energy & vibrations.

But i believe, a more upgraded version of these energy & vibration-aware-people. They would be able to speak and alchemize energies even without the existence of visible smoke as a part of the presentation.

They're the ones, when they speak...you'd sense a certain aura that makes you feel like you're in a space of crystalize vapor and at each word expression a certain breath of life is being delivered and your body feels light almost see through and the air is cool and mystical a totally different realm further advance from a dream. The realest of real.

In essence, truth.

So, have you ever met such a person?or perhaps...you're probably one.

For...being.

I would have coffee at night, cuz i'd still be sleepy,

I wear a hat at home,cuz i'd still misplace it,

I have no routine, cuz i'd challenge that too.

Oh...the joy to be able to quantum jump as per our intention.

And listened to the ticking of the wall clock, the drum of the electricity flow, the quiet coolness of late post meridiem.

The casual brush of movements by the children, the uncalled question and sudden greet.

Mundane and yet creation at the same time.

Vacillating between the past and future is a common occurrence for us ; in a vessel of the human body.

Some are still in a sunken drowse, some awaken but regarded as a nuisance.

Oh but what a trip it is, hanging loose almost noose but instead doing a backflip and grounded on both feet.

That every step taken grew a flower,

A dandelion with bits of truth spreading across the horizon delivering a message ; that we are all One.

So wear your heart on your sleeve.

Pour your coffee tepid.

Less is more. 

A paradox ; that's what we are.

In between saint and sin there is silent.

A pause.

For reading, for learning, for feeling, for showing, for teaching, for experiencing, for telling, for sharing, for...being.

A untuk Èffort.

Ini kisah tentang Ayman, anak sulung dan satunya anak lelaki yang lahir ke dunia melalui sebuah lagu.

Kelahirannya cukup bulan malah terlewat beberapa hari. Sepanjang mengandungkannya banyak kejadian pelik berlaku dalam hidup.

Sendawa yang luarbiasa, mengidam pelbagai jenis mi segera dan air kopi hitam. Mungkin hal tersebut membuatkan hb menjadi sangat rendah sehingga hanya 7 malah, sewaktu menunggu hari kelahiran dia semakin lembap bergerak namun, boleh diaktifkan dengan meminum segelas jus oren sejuk.

Hampir 24 jam menanggung sakit dimulai dengan rasa cirit birit  dan oleh kerana pertama kali menjadi ibu, maka bergantung sepenuhnya kepada naluri. Demikian itu selepas tidak dapat tidur sejak pukul 5 pagi lalu, memutuskan untuk pergi ke hospital. Menjangkakan mungkin tidak melahirkan pada hari itu dan sakit perut itu cuma disebabkan oleh 2 mangkuk coto makassar extra pedas yang dimakan pada malam sebelumnya. Namun apabila hampir memasuki kereta, berkata di dalam hati “jikalau lagu yang disukai berputar di radio maka hari ini ialah harinya”

Sudah tidak ingat apa lagu tersebut namun yah, lahir dia ke dunia selepas menanggung sakit bersalin selama 21 jam termasuklah 6 jam sakit yang amat selepas jururawat memecahkan air ketuban demi mempercepatkan proses bersalin.

Anak ini…mampu berkomunikasi secara telepatik kerana dengan melalui perasaan yakni pada saat hampir lahir, berbisik dalam hati kepadanya, “jika benar ini ialah waktumu, berikan 3 tolakan sebagai tanda” Dia menolak dirinya keluar sebanyak 3 kali dan lahirlah dia pada pukul 1 pagi dengan mata bulat terbuka memandang ibunya dan disapa “Hai…Akulah Mamamu.”

Semakin dia membesar kusedari beberapa hal...dia tidak menerima arahan, dia tidak suka hingar bingar dan dia mudah terangsang oleh animasi (warna warni dan pergerakan) dan menyebabkannya ‘stimming’ iaitu dengan menggertak gigi dan bergetar seluruh tubuh seperti kesejukan atau ketakutan namun itu ialah ekspresi rasa seronoknya. Pada waktu itu aku tidak memandang serius tentang perilaku itu, bagiku mungkin dia anak lelaki yang hyperactive dan cuai.

Pabila dia mulai bersekolah dia bukanlah pelajar terbaik dan tahap skoda-skoda sahaja.

Namun aku mulai perasan lebih banyak hal... dia lalai, melulu dan mempunyai kecenderungan narsistik (makluman setiap manusia punya kecenderungan narsisitik hanya saja tinggi atau rendah dan penulisan ini Tidak Terkait pula dengan NPD iaitu Narsisitik Personaliti Disorder-sejenis penyakit mental) dan pada saat inilah goyahnya keampuhan menjadi seorang ibu.

Hal ini merendahkan self esteem dan membuatkan aku merasa sebagai seorang ibu yang gagal kerana membesarkan anak yang tidak berguna. Aku mulai menyalahkan takdir, orang sekeliling, diri sendiri dan akhirnya memberi impak yang amat besar dalam kehidupan kekeluargaan kami. 

Beberapa hal yang ketara ialah sehingga dia berumur 10 tahun dia masih berkumuh seperti budak kecil iaitu ditilam atau didalam seluar sehingga membuatkan aku memakaikannya lampin pakai buang untuk ke sekolah.

Sehingga suatu hari aku memutuskan untuk membuat pemeriksaan ke atasnya. Aku pasti ianya bukan Autisme namun kerisauan terbesarku ialah ADHD kerana ada simptom-simptom yang lain seperti kurang daya fokus, impulsif, pelupa dan tidak boleh duduk diam yang juga sebenarnya ada pada diriku dan kebiasaannya ADHD ialah genetik yang diwarisi.

Maka dari temujanji ke temujanji dimulai dengan perjumpaan dengan seorang Doktor wanita yang lemah lembut menerangkan bahawa ADHD bukanlah kecacatan, hanya saja kelainan dan mereka memiliki kecenderungan yang unik sehingga ada di antara mereka menjadi jurukamera internasional seperti National Geographic.

Seterusnya dia merujuk kes kami ke Pegawai Pemulihan Cara Kerja yang mengesan Ayman memang berada di spektrum ADHD khususnya tahap ringan hiperaktif-impulsif.  Sedang kami menghampiri proses akhir kami memerlukan tandatangan doktor pakar bagi mengesahkan diagnos dan disitulah segalanya berakhir sebelum bermula.

Memasuki ruang bilik doktor pakar tersebut adalah bak anomali, biliknya suram dan samar-samar seumpama perpustakaan lama menyerupai suasana rumah dukun.

Beliau sudah berada dalam keadaan mood rendah dan tidak mesra. Usai aku menyapa dan menerangkan semua, dia sekilas pandang melihat Ayman dan lantas memperlekehkan kami, “Kenapa mak rasa perlu cek ke hospital?” aku menjelaskan tentang tabiat masih terkumuh di katil semasa tidur dan dalam seluar serta sifat melulu sehingga ponteng kelas untuk mencari makanan di meja kantin sekolah.

Kemudian beliau memandangku dan bertanya, “mak kerja apa?”

Ku jawab jkm dan pada saat itu beliau umpamanya memberi tamparan hebat ke mukaku dengan berkata, "Ohhhh...so Mak nak ambik duit bantuan kebajikan utk anak lah ni kan"

Sesungguhnya nyatalah kaum wanita paling banyak menghuni neraka. Sewenang itu dia membuat kesimpulan bahawasanya aku mempergunakan Ayman serta kapasitiku sebagai pegawai jkm untuk mendapatkan kemudahan skim bantuan kewangan bulanan.

Lalu kujelaskan bahawa ini bukan tentang uang namun tentang penebusan batinku untuk mendapatkan keabsahan supaya menjadi jawapan bahawa anakku istimewa dan aku bukanlah ibu yang teruk kerana tidak tahu bagaimana cara untuk membesarkan dia.

Beliau kemudiannya menjawab dengan “"oh setakat berak dalam seluar tu bukan apa pun, ni sebab Ayman tahan kan?Ayman terlebih² seronok main lepas tu suka tahan² nak berak kan?"

Pada saat itu, aku mengalah.

Mengalah secara total.

Airmataku bergenang, telingaku menebal, tekakku rasa tersumbat dan dadaku terasa sempit.

Dan pada akhirnya, beliau tidak menurunkan tandatangannya dan diagnosnya, hanya saja dia memaklumkan bahawa alamat tempat tinggal kami bukan dalam radius atau mukim hospital tersebut dan menyuruh kami melakukan proses semula mulai dari awal pada hospital yang berdekatan alamat tempat tinggal.

Aku keluar dari bilik doktor pakar tersebut dengan pasrah dan membawa Ayman duduk ke kerusi menunggu. Ku pasangkan dia youtube sambil menangis namun berpura-pura mengesat hidung konon sebagai pesakit biasa yang sedang mengalami selesma.

Kulangitkan kecewaku terhadap doktor pakar tersebut. Ku harap apa pun yang beliau lalui sehingga menjadi sejelek itu akan kembali kepadanya bagai sireh pulang ke ganggang.

Bukan perangku untuk membuktikan kebenaran pada beliau.

Ku putuskan untuk berdamai dengan diri sendiri menganggap laporan terakhir dari Pegawai Pemulihan Cara Kerja sebagai jawapan untuk semuanya.

Aku bukan ibu yang teruk.

Anakku istimewa.

Ini semua adalah rencana Tuhan yang telah membawaku ke situasi doktor pakar tersebut lalu menginspirasikan aku untuk berhenti mendapatkan kad OKU bagi Ayman.

Justeru itu, Ayman meneruskan pembelajaran di kelas perdana dan bukannya PPKI(pendidikan khas integrasi).

Dia bersekolah bersama pelajar yang lain sungguhpun dengan kesulitan, dia selalu tertidur, jarang sekali mendapat markah tinggi, sentiasa pulang dalam keadaan kotor dan kusut masai dan kebanyakan masa, dia tidak mengerti.

Sehingga tahun 2019 berhempas pulas untuk menerima takdir termasuklah mengalami kemurungan dan kebimbangan.

Pejam celik, pejam celik…banyak hal yang terjadi dan dia menduduki SPM. Sehingga kini dia masih menghidapi catathrenia, kekerapan brain fog, kehilangan barang-barang penting, kebimbangan, cabaran menghadapi ‘spotlight effect’, hypervigilant mahupun paranoia.

Aku tidak menaruh harapan tinggi. Hanya berdoa dia mendapat skor minimal cukup untuk dia memasuki politeknik ataupun Pendidikan vokasional.

Aku sendiri melihat dia mencoba, ku ajari dia Teknik Pomodoro kerana tahap fokusnya yang singkat.

Dan kulepaskan, kurelakan dia, kuserahkan dia kepada Tuhan hanya saja ku peringatkan bahawa walau apa terjadi sekalipun,

Dia tetap ada…rumah untuk pulang.

Aku juga menasihatkan dia, dalam hidup…lakukan sesuatu untuk satu kali saja supaya kita mampu melangkah ke pelajaran hidup yang seterusnya.

Ambil peluang keemasan ini untuk hidup sepenuhnya dan lepaskan segala-galanya kepada Tuhan untuk mengatur.

…dan siapa sangka, ini dia dengan 3A dan tiada subjek gagal.

Aku tidak melabel semua pemarkahan ini sebagai epitome kecemerlangan…ini semua hanyalah nombor dan program yang manusia gunakan untuk membezakan antara satu dengan yang lain.

Ku anggap 3A ini sebagai :

A untuk Ayman

A untuk ADHD

A untuk Alhamdullilah

Seperti kelainan menggunakan abjad A untuk perkataan Èffort yakni bunyi sama huruf berbeza.

Kejayaan tidak bisa diukur menggunakan mata kasar, karna individu Neurodivergent sebenarnya ialah makhluk bersifat rohani yang dipaksa muat didalam kotak normalisasi.

Demikian itu…teguhlah kepada anak-anak kita, simptom ADHD akan berkurangan mengikut usia dan waktu. Ianya bukan hukuman mati. Anda bukan ibu yang teruk. Benarkan mereka menjadi seaslinya tanpa perlu ‘mengobat atau memperbaiki’ mereka.

Redha bahawa perjuangan ini adalah ujian untuk menghebatkan kita.

Akhir sekali, percaya kepada anak-anak ini, mereka sendiri mengalami kesukaran untuk percaya dan memaafkan diri sendiri.

Jom, menerima mereka bahawa mereka bukan ‘rosak’, ‘cacat’, ‘pelik’, ‘ganjil’, ‘lemah’ , mahupun tidak berguna.

Terima hakikat bahawa mereka Unik, Khas, Asli, Istimewa dan Satu-Satunya.

Tidak ada hal yang menakutkan mahupun memalukan tentang ADHD, senario normalisasi manusia kian berubah sejajar zaman. 

Hakikatnya individu ADHD memiliki sensori yang tinggi menyebabkan mereka mempunyai rasa, perasan, kasih, cinta dan sayang yang mendalam. Hanya saja keadaan dunia yang penuh dengan bunyi bising menyebabkan mereka sukar menentukan apa, menjelaskan apa dan menyampaikan apa.

Dan sebagai penutup, tujuan sebenar penulisan ini adalah untuk mengirimkan pesanan kepada ibu²(dan juga bapa) untuk sanggup dan rela memberikan kemaafan kepada diri sendiri atas kekhilafan dalam perjuangan sepanjang membesarkan anak-anak kita. 

Teduhkan hatimu, segalanya akan berakhir tanpamu menyedarinya. Tarik nafas dalam, percaya dan Lepaskan.

Sekali lagi,

A is for Èffort.

Tahniah Ayman anak ADHD ku.

Men ; of partnership

(Aragorn when he first laid eyes on Eowyn)

Watching the Lord of the rings tells me a bit about men and their match-making.

A man can truly love a woman, and still choose another.

(Possibly explains a bit why men cheat and fold)

Aragorn + Arwen : high stakes,

Of status and high classes, picking Arwen means he must be King first.

Partnership with Arwen is all work and chivalry.

He'll be amongst kings.

Possibly led to his death too.

Full of hardship, trials & errors.

Tiring and too challenging at times.

Partnership with Arwen will always hold him up at stake.

With too much to lose although with much to gain at the same time. 

But,

Aragorn + Eowyn.

He can be a simple man.

Live a simple life as a middle status man (husband to King's niece)

He can relax and enjoy the view while having a comfort company of feminine energy.

He can chill and just sway with everything romantic.

He's still be well respected by Eowyn and people  within the castle.

He can fine dine with good drinks, quality clothing and just chill in the beautiful kingdom of Rohan.

By all means, Aragorn should choose Eowyn.

Eowyn does not steal him from Arwen, its just because Aragorn probably could never live up to Arwen standard and all her accessories.

To be with her, Aragorn must be....a King. After living his whole life in exile and banished from his own rightful kingdom. Even got a nickname as Strider describing his way of living ; travelling all the time with no fix place to live or settle ; 

He, must be King to be with, Arwen.

Instead with Eowyn, nothing is being asked of him. Just the way he is, he gained respect just by being a chivalrous warrior thats all.

He's already well accepted by Theoden the king of Rohan to take the hands of Eowyn his niece.

So logically...

Aragorn should choose Eowyn.

But no...

(Aragorn's face reminiscing the events that he parted with Arwen)

Lord of the rings depicts a man's choices in life.

He could love Arwen for her beauty regardless with all her heavy accessories i.e war, death & suffering.

But it is his mission in life that puts a price tag on whom he should choose.

Thats why men these days rather settle for stability(Eowyn)

But traditionally men have a quest of achieving glory and success and rather choose Arwen for she symbolize all that.

It's not always a man's fault to cheat. A woman can cost him his life in exchange for status and achievement.

But...if all men choose stability, then...who would be Kings?

That's why a man can love a woman like mad and at last, still choose another woman...and possibly still in love with the former.

Because why would anyone reject stability?

That's a question only a strong (not loyal-loyalty isn't always useful in times of trying)man can answer.

Why would he reject stability and go full head on a quest with no telling if he would ever be successful or not.

Its because, he's not trying to win Arwen's love for her beauty or standard or luxury or even her  genetics.

He is on a personal journey of himself to be a King of his own.

So...it's never about the women, be it her beauty or her social class or even her sacrifices (Arwen renounce her immortal life to marry Aragorn)

In the end...its the worth of a man himself.

Is he a king?

Or a middle class man.

Things that we think are real, but aren't ; Separation.

Contoh Separation ialah bila kita feeling nostalgik.

Kita rasa rindu dan berjauhan/terpisah dari peristiwa, tempat, orang.

Contoh ; dulu saya selalu makan di restoran veggie masa ayman masi dalam kandungan. Setiap kali lalu kawasan tpt tu, mesti rasa terpisah dari kenangan tersebut rasa sedih berbaur sendu mengenang saat² mencabar mengandungkan ayman sewaktu ekonomi baru mau berkembang.

Walhal, kini kedai masih wujud dan saya bebas utk merasa makanan itu, ayman masih mencabar kewibawaan sy sebagai ibu, pemilik restoran juga masih berwajah yang sama...sebagai peniaga restoran sayuran mgkn itulah tidak tergugat oleh penuaan.

Dulu dan kini saya masih boleh mereka situasi yang sama mahupun berbeza mengikut kemahuan saya.

Bukti kita tidak terpisah, segalanya sedang wujud serentak.