Face to face with the one that gave me chronic childhood trauma, emotional neglect and environment where showing weakness resulted in severe consequences, forcing me to act 'tough' or constantly prove worth to survive.
I used to think to be aligned with your higher self, we need to do multiple if not continuous shadow work and consistently regulate our emotional nervous system.
Today i realized, none of them is sustainable without humility.
Even forgiveness won't last because trauma isn't just stored in memory and body(fascia) it also fertilizes our subconscious in response to our pursuit of survivalism.
I can always forgive him, however to forget? Yes perhaps, but honestly not 100 percent.
There is always some residue of trauma scattered somewhere in my subconscious and ultimately triggered when similar or related events occurred.
Example ; i have extreme anger outburst due to my kid wasting the shower gel to make bubbles while taking too long time showering.
What happens behind the scene of the naked eye is i feel dejected of being punished due to that one eventful time when i was little, unalarmed and uncalled i was beaten with a burning painful slap on my cheek for spilling a bag of sugar while transferring it into a can.
I can forgive my dad, i understand his situation. Hurt people ; hurt people.
However, the memory, the sensation, the trauma stayed with me to the end.
So how do we manoeuvre from this?
How do we free ourselves from that trauma of being abused by our caretaker, the person we hang onto our life, the one that should be teaching us love and compassion who in return actually make an enemy out of us?
By...Letting Go.
Release that memory-this is easy. I've tried and successfully done it. Believe me, releasing bad memories is easy. It's called neuroplasticity. You changed the meaning you've given to it. With humor it accelerates faster. Forgiveness plays a vital role in this process.
However, the sensation that eventually to some extent influenced your intuition?
How do we let go of that?
Trauma response is automatic as a result of repetition over the years of surviving in this world.
There were 4 main trauma responses : fight, flight, freeze & fawn.
Therefore for someone who practiced fight response frequently in order to survive this long in this world, may have trouble to let go just by forgiveness.
Growing up with narcissistic parents, it's only logical for someone to become unable to exhibit humility.
And that's exactly what needed to Let Go than just simply forgiveness.
To be humble enough to still accept them unconditionally.
Maybe we thought we had let go of the trauma that they caused us.
Until it shows up in our anger outburst or in sadness over something that we didn't achieve.
Thus humility is key.
Humble to surrender that it's never about achieving but about the humility of accepting that we are okay that things didn't go as planned.
Humble to realize we are meant for so much more but today, Today is about being on par with them.
Humble to be aware that we are not any different from them.
We are all one...
Surviving.
Trying to find meaning about all that's happening.
Being confused.
Humility is key to Let Go, to be free from trauma that kept haunting us as if we owe the past everything.
Being humble is not a guarantee that you're no longer having an anger outburst.
That you completely no longer remember all the bad things that happened to you.
No.
It happened, it had hurt you.
But with humility that helps with letting go means you are no more attached with that story.
You are then able to pursue life how you intended it to be.
If screaming at your kid at the top of your lung means you may be able to imprint their mind of not wasting resources and time, go for it.
Humility teaches you that you can be, teach.
You've surrendered to accept all the wisdom from others.
Everyone is your teacher.
You have released control of how things should be and surrender to the flow of life thus that is what Letting Go is.
Autonomy is manifested through Humility.
In freedom there is no more friction, just flow.
There is no more anger, just softness.
No more fear, just joy.
To be free, we must be humble ; above everything else.
