What happens after Millenials

 So yesterday,

I saw on my newsfeed about the new generation called Generation Beta.

It’s the generation that came after Generation Alpha (which is my youngest daughter age.)

So, it’s the birth that begins in 2025.

And I was…taken back because my first response is, I’m not even done scrutinizing about generation Z (the generation after mine- the Millennials and happens to be the generation of my two teenage angst Ayman and Tara)

I also have not figured who Generation Alpha is, what’s their strength weaknesses and all i.e., something to complain about.

And suddenly, we have Generation Beta.

So in regards of Generation Z a.k.a the Snowflake Generation (the research of my final year proposal). The generation that always intrigue me, as I have hands on experience with them and the wide differences between mine and them.

Then today this morning, I pass by a restaurant as my usual route to work, I saw an empty canister of sambal then i thought “a finished sambal”. Then I remembered when I was growing up, a lot of restaurant or food stalls have this free sambal to self-add on, on our morning breakfast noodles.

They no longer have it these days.

It struck me that the Generation Z and any generation after millennials. Might never experience, kindness. 

Or added value.

No wonder they are the way they are, Fragile.

Perhaps the Boomer stops being nice to them,

The X tend to unnoticed them.

The millennials don’t understand them.

Its annoying having to have to deal with their character, but underneath it all.

They’re a generation that need the most empathy and guidance.

Skills vs Tasks

I just got another certificate of skills. I also have NLPt practitioner card among others.

I met a lady in the workshop yesterday telling she have many skills certificates including shooting skills class 3. 

I looked at her and listening to her stories of her daily routine as a fish and street burger seller.

I realized that all my skills is nothing as long as i didn't practice it.

True, how can we practice when there is no opportunity at hand.

Well, this is where we're suppose to get it by making effort to pay and join a club, meeting people at boring meetings because it indirectly sharpen your skills and build network. 

Do the boring job or task that requires no of you even though it has nothing to do with your skills or passion.

It is there where you create a path for your higher self.

'The magic you are looking for is in the work you are avoiding.Because all out potential is stored within the repressed part of us.'

ANTARA HYPOTHERMIA DAN SINUA

43 seusia pc IBM timbul dibenak untuk meneruskan kelana ke Gunung Trusmadi pula. Terbit dibenak rasa FOMO pabila menjadi pendaki paling senior dalam kembara kali ini. Namun rasa itu ditelan jua demi memenangkan ego yang sebenarnya tidak membuat persiapan sebaiknya untuk pendakian kali ini.

Jujur khilaf itu tidak dianalisa dari mula meninggalkan tapak kaki di pintu rumah dan hanya di introspeksi semasa menggigil di ketinggian 1800 meter.

Keperluan asas untuk pendakian seperti inner & stokin thermal, hot water pouch, heat patch, vaseline malah adidas kampung juga ku abaikan dengan bisikan “anggap saja macam aki nabalu”

Keliru total.

Setibanya di Sinua, setenang buaian angin meniupkan nyawa ke ruang tanaman padi, kebun halia dan kolam-kolam ikan melembutkan lara hati yang mengidamkan suasana alam tidak terlukakan oleh modenisasi. Gerak mata ku mendalami setiap zona yang mampu ku selaraskan dengan auranya. Tidak ku temui rasa pahit mahupun getir hanya saja suatu rasa stagnan. Ku tanyakan pada diri “stagnan…apa imbangan baik buruknya?” Ku simpulkan, mungkin stagnan itu ertinya ‘seadanya saja’ Maka, itulah bekalan niat yang kusemat sebelum pendakian 7 kilometer ke Base camp 2 iaitu keesokan paginya.

Memikul beban 10kg yang tidak wajar akibat pemilihan bag yang materialnya tidak mesra hardcore. Agak londeh dan tidak menyokong tulang belakang. Awalnya merancang untuk mendaki secara minimalis menggunakan hydration vest saja namun, naluri ‘Aunty²’ memutuskan untuk menggalas beg yang seharusnya ditinggalkan. Inilah punca kita berkelana, iaitu belajar malah mengumpul kesilapan diri sendiri demi mematangkan diri sendiri bagi kelana yang seterusnya. 

Pendakian 7km masih disinari cahaya matahari dengan berselang selikan angin deras dan awan sekali sekala membawa mendung. Suasana ambien enak saja dengan muka bumi yang berbatu, berakar dan berseni. Jujur dalam tempoh 5 jam setengah agak mencabar untuk menikmati pendakian kerana beban dibahu yang wajar semakin terasa. Cara aku untuk menghadapinya ialah dengan menggunakan emosi untuk menikmati komorebi dan juga mental logikal yang menganggar pace dan jarak. “hanya perlu 3 jam lagi” “akan sampai anggaran 1230hrs, paling tidak pun sebelum 2pm” “hanya 500 meter lagi”.

Hal yang paling ku sedari ialah penanda lokasi dan jarak agak samar namun dihujung kembara wujud hipotesis ku sendiri mengapa benda asas ini tidak dilaksanakan oleh hos Sinua.

Perasaan melihat bumbung basecamp 2 adalah seperti meleraikan tekanan di dada, apa tidaknya overthinking yang membelenggu sejak 300 meter sebelumnya dek karna tidak ada penanda seperti yang terbiasa di kawasan gunung terkenal yang menyatakan jumlah meter semakin mendekati tempat untuk bermalam.

Sesampainya masih bisa berlegar dengan pakaian senipis tshirt namun semakin gelap hari, kesejukan semakin terasa dan pada masa ini kekhuatiran belum timbul karna wajar merasakan hal itu biasa. Namun…angin juga mulai menghempas tetapi masih jua merasakan “ini biasa”

Jam 5 petang terketar-ketar memegang cangkir air panas dan berbusana dengan 3 lapis pakaian. Disini mulai terkenangkan stokin thermal sebanyak 2 set di dalam almari rak kedua disudut bilik tidur sejauh 3jam setengah dari Sinua. Apakan daya…mulai menyedari, Trusmadi bukan sebiasa andaian.

Klimaks kekhilafan menyerang pada pukul 11 malam lebih. Segala perkakas mulai bermain didalam pikiran apatah lagi anxiety sehingga meluru keluar dari khemah terhuyung-hayang sebagai ikhtiar untuk keluar dari kotak pemikiran yang menuju ke arah negatif dan ke tandas dalam keadaan ribut.

Inilah waktu yang paling meragukan sehingga subuh menjelma. Gigil yang luarbiasa sama seperti hentaman angin ke pondok base camp 2 yang bagiku luarbiasa karna kurasakan tanah juga bergetar. Hal unik yang kurasakan ialah selepas hentaman angin ribut sebelum disusuli dengan seterusnya akan ada waktu yang amat senyap sebelum hentaman yang deras tanpa batas. Pada waktu inilah ketakutan mulai melanda ditambah lagi dengan ingatan-ingatan tentang kes pendakian berakhir ajal akibat Hypothermia. Mulai aku mempersoalkan umurku, tahap kesihatanku sebagai penghidap gastrik, terkenang sejarah-sejarah lalu kelemahanku menghadapi suhu sejuk sejak kecil dan mental imej mulai memainkan drama jasadku sedang diusung turun ke bawah. Hal ini tidak wajar kita layani namun hakikatnya hal ini bisa berlaku kepada sesiapa saja. Aku mulai mengenang apa solatku di atas tarp menyerupai stretcher tadi cukup untuk bekalan ibadah?. Gegas aku bangun kali kedua untuk ke tandas. Pedoman aku melarang anxiety ku daripada mengemudi minda ialah dengan menggunakan pengalaman 4 tahun duduk di pejabat yang bersuhu kutub utara iaitu, seharusnya jika kita berada dalam environment yang sejuk umum kita enggan minum air karna akan menambah rasa ingin kencing. Namun sebenarnya minum air secara berkala malah membuang air kencing adalah cara regulasi suhu badan yang terbaik, ambil contohi polisi hospital yang hanya membenarkan ibu dan bayi baru lahir di discaj selepas kencing dan berak. 

Dikala semua sahabat pendaki menenangkan fikiran karna aku yakin semuanya tidak lena tidur kerana pondok kami lebih terdedah kepada pukulan angin berbanding pondok sebelah yang lebih rendah aku menyibukkan diri dengan minum air dan menunggu waktu terbaik untuk ke tandas. Jam 2 pagi sekali lagi aku ke tandas, waktu ini kami sudah terlewat sejam lebih untuk pendakian ke puncak. Diluar khemah kelihatan Waning Gibbous dengan amat terang sambil dilintasi oleh awan namun deras angin masih tanpa janji akan berakhir mahupun reda.  Sekembalinya ke tempat tidur dalam keadaan gigil yang merunsingkan serasa ada yang mencucuk didada kiri dan pada saat inilah aku menerima bagaimana mampu Hypothermia meragut nyawa. Lalu aku tidak tidur dan mulai memujuk hati mengatakan “jika kau mampu bersekang mata hampir 40 jam, kau pasti bisa menghadapi ini” pengalaman mencuba untuk menamatkan larian ultra trail marathon menjadi rumusan iaitu berjaga mulai jam 3 pagi hari pertama sehingga 6 petang hari kedua. Sungguh Tuhan menciptakan manusia sebagai makhluk yang kuat. Kegusaran hati mulai mereka-reka situasi bagaimana mungkin keadaan semasa pendakian ke puncak nanti. Ku bisikkan dalam hati “ku relakan semua, andai terus maka itulah ketetapan namun andai tidak maka itu adalah pengajaran”

Dan pada akhirnya sehingga pukul 6 pagi angin ribut juga tidak juga reda mahupun menandakan akan reda. Kekecewaan kali ini aku hadapi dengan tenang tanpa berontak. Mungkin juga selepas apa yang aku lalui semalaman atau mungkin juga hakikat Taufan Yagi yang sedang melanda nusantara. Setidaknya kuhiasi kecewa itu dengan mengintai 200 meter laluan ke puncak yang aku sedari sama sekali tidak mudah seperti andaian. Ruang trail kecil jika dilalui pada waktu gelap dan sejuk pasti membantai mental dan emosi. Ternyata pilihan Trusmadi via Sinua khusus untuk pecinta pendakian hardcore.

Kelegaan mulai memenuhi ruang minda setibanya semula ke base camp 1 dengan menghubungi anak-anak menerusi video. Syukur keberadaan mereka dalam lindunganNya yang santai menerima berita penangguhan pendakian ke puncak disebabkan elemen cuaca yang tidak dijangka.

Aku mulai mengisi waktu menunggu kenderaan pulang dengan berbual dengan Dennis Ikon hos Mt. Trusmadi climb via Sinua. Sahabat di zaman muda semasa berkerja sebagai pemandu pelancong. Kali terakhir kami bertemu mungkin pada tahun 2006 iaitu tahun terakhir aku berada di Sandakan seterusnya berpindah ke Kota Kinabalu. Jelas kelihatan intipati dan belief yang kami bawa sebagai pemandu pelancong di lewat 90-an dan awal 2000 dalam setiap sudut penjelmaan program Trusmadi via Sinua. Antaranya ialah penggunaan bahasa kami semasa menerangkan kepada pelancong iaitu 'vegetation' dan 'water catchment'. Dennis mengusahakan program pendakian seawal tahun 2010 namun pada masa itu hanya beberapa pelancong datang dalam setahun dan marketing pendakian juga khusus untuk meraka yang tegar dan berilmu dalam kehutanan serta punyai kemahiran survival. Inilah yang menyebabkan aku mengandaikan mengapa beliau tidak membuat penanda lokasi dengan jelas, mungkin kerana ingin menerbitkan rasa elusive yang identical hanya ada pada Trusmadi. Jika diberi penanda maka sinonim dengan arus perdana a.k.a mainstream yang berantagonis dengan underground iaitu berkonotasi private, tersembunyi dan eksklusif. Tujuan mengangkat sentimen tersebut adalah untuk reservasi alam supaya mengurangi impak manusia ke atas alam sekitar sekaligus mendidik manusia tentang batas di antara alam dan manusia justeru itu, akur bahawa harus wujud boundaries di antara interaksi manusia dengan alam dengan menggunakan elemen estetik sebagi kod etika bila berada di suasana alam yang masih terpelihara aslinya. Aku menyokong penuh sentimen ini maka disini aku sarankan jika ingin pendakian yang bermaksud untuk mengusapi diri dengan alam natural dengan jangkamasa yang lebih extensive maka pilihlah Sinua.  Keseriusan dan nekad pendaki harus diputuskan sebelum memilih program ini karna terselit pelbagai risiko yang di atur oleh alam semulajadi sendiri sama ada pendakian berjaya sampai ke puncak atau sebaliknya. Senekad Dennis Ikon membina bangunan lobi dengan usaha titik peluhnya sendiri dibantu oleh komuniti setempat. Beliau terbukti membuka ruang pekerjaan dan meletakkan Sinua ke penglihatan dunia. Kampung yang senyap dan sunyi merupakan pemula kepada pendakian yang sulit namun menepati citarasa bagi mereka yang ingin bersatu dengan alam. Kegigihan beliau membuka ruang ekonomi setempat juga menyeluruh sehingga kepada pembekalan makanan buat pendaki juga diambil daripada pekebun dan petani setempat. Pembinaan lobi yang menggunakan material bamboo juga dicarinya sendiri sehingga menjadi ruang menyelesakan buat pendaki berkumpul bertukar cerita. Selama aku mengenal Dennis beliau nampak biasa saja, selepas 18 tahun baru ku sedari betapa seorang yang biasa mampu melakukan sesuatu yang luarbiasa sekiranya kau dalami susurgalur kehidupannya. Hal ini bisa terjadi kepada sesiapapun, termasuk kau dan aku. Sosok Dennis yang sedang bercerita didepanku membuatkan aku bermonolog “bagaimana dengan aku?apa yang aku lakukan didalam hidupku?”….rasanya, hanya buat seseorang yang ingin mendalamiku mampu memberikan jawapan. Karna jika aku ditanya saat ini, siapa aku di mata dunia. Pasti kujawab “hanya seorang petualang” namun mungkin itu bukan jawapan yang diberi oleh anak-anakku, ataupun bapaku begitu juga dengan insan-insan rapatku. Perjuangan Dennis kini disambung oleh generasi muda iaitu anak dan sanak saudara yang masih berdarah muda. Jelas tidak semua ilmu dapat diturunkan kepada golongan muda mungkin disebabkan jurang generasi mungkin juga disebabkan tekanan ekonomi. Sejujurnya hanya individu yang memiliki rasa cinta yang mendalam kepada alam yang punya rasa tanggungjawab yang tinggi untuk melakukan sebarang pekerjaan berkait dengan alam. Jika hanya ingin meneruskan kelangsungan hidup pasti akan timbul rasa bosan ataupaun ketidakpastian dalam perjalanan meneruskan motif keserasian dengan alam sebagai bentuk penjanaan ekonomi. Namun hal ini bisa dipupuk karna fitrah manusia itu merasa Bahagia. Bahagia dengan membahagiakan, Bahagia dalam merasakan, Bahagia dalam penerimaan malah Bahagia dalam penyerahan total tentang apa adanya. 

Pendakian kali ini terpaksa ditangguhkan ke puncak karna alam belum merasakan waktunya untuk setiap kami menapak dibumi Tuhan disudut itu. Seperti yang kukatakan, “andai terus maka itulah ketetapan namun andai tidak maka itu adalah pengajaran” Pengajaran buat nyaliku sendiri untuk menguatkan niat meredahi sejuk dan jerih perih 7km plus 4.9km ke puncak, pengajaran buatku untuk tidak sama sekali menyamakan atau membandingkan suatu pengalaman dengan pengalaman yang lain dan seharusnya mengenal untuk mencintai bukan sekadar merentap beg dan menyumbat perkakas secara autopilot sahaja sedangkan seharusnya dipacu oleh kesedaran yang penuh demi mengurangkan kebarangkalian serangan anxiety sepanjang program. Pengajaran juga untuk anak muda membuka hati fokus kepada arah tuju kendalian profesi sebagai malim yang bukan hanya menjaga alam tetapi juga menjaga pelawat. Begitu besar taraf si Malim yang mana sekiranya kami teruskan pendakian nisbah pendaki dengan malim ialah 4 : 16 yang punya kuasa untuk melindungi keselamatan pendaki, ini bererti tugas malim bak Superhero tanpa cape yang menerangi, mengimbangi malah merupakan elemen terpenting dalam memastikan sesebuah pendakian yang berhasil. 

Terima kasih Team HOAS yang menjemput untuk aku turut serta pada kali ini, terima kasih sobat ahli-ahli pendaki kali ini dalam mengindahkan pengalaman kali ini yang sungguh bermakna buatku karna ini kali pertama aku mampu menghadapi kegagalan ke puncak dengan lapang dada. Sebelum ini aku pernah hampir gagal namun pada waktu itu penguatkuasaan undang-undang larangan ke puncak sekiranya cuaca buruk tidak diketatkan. Terima kasih untuk hiburan dan setiap perkongisian sempat kita gaulkan, pertembungan waktu dalam hidup kita sepanjang 3 hari 2 malam ini ternyata memberikan perspektif baru buatku. Terima kasih hos Dennis Taniskon Lodge dan team. 

Semoga citraku membawa lagi langkahku pulang ke Sinua untuk menghirup secangkir kopi panas di puncak Trusmadi. Amin.

from Blackleg to Silverleg

as i evolve my pseudonym continues to change.

started with Silverchic to Blackleg.

Honestly i don't know how i came up with silverchic, i was about 14 anyway...perhaps the Australian band Silverchair intrigues me so much of how they could come up with that peculiar name.

My writings were majorly poems and lamented with the beauty of nature embodiment.

And then as i turn a bit older until early adulthood I wrote as Blackleg.

Now this i know why, 

Blackleg is a strike breaker in a union strike. Kind of traitor. But for me, Blackleg is that one single neuron cell in my brain that still works...when everything goes on strike as to anxiety, intrusive thoughts, procrastination, depression, numbness etc. Blackleg is that one cell that still, works☺️

Now...at 42, i have come to let Blackleg to rest.

It's been working alone for so many years and now able to rest.

Because at 40's we usually come to terms of who we are. 

Hence, now from here, now onwards I'm writing as, Silverleg.

I know, i must've a fascination with color.

And yet, Silver is a spiritual color for intuition and introspection.

Dialectical and intervention might be featured if not highlighted in my writings and speech onwards.

Silverleg...i like it, there's a tinge of subtlety and humbleness sound to it☺️

why having a hater ; motivates us.

'He who wrestles with us, 

Strenghtens our nerves, and sharpens our skills. Our antagonist is our helper.'

-Edmund Burke-

photo as illustration : 2 friends at the back & our guide in the Himalayas. The said 'hater' is the one who took the picture while the other one in the background ; looking.

The challenges of competition can be stimulating and enjoyable. But when beating the opponent takes precedence in the mind over performing as well as possible, enjoyment tends to dissapear. Competition is enjoyable only when it is means to perfect one's skills; when it becomes an end in itself, it cease to be fun - Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi-

lectiophile

I did ask myself....

What am i going to do with reading books, currently the genre im focusing on is spiritualism ie self development.

But i did ask myself,

Whats next?

I didn't plan to read to excel in spiritualism knowledge.

I am just 'being', making experiences along the way.

And what about the physical book...am i going to give it away?

Am i going to teach it to others?

I don't know.

But what it feels right now is i am on a right track.

Spending my time on reading rather than distracting myself from sadness.

Because in the end, everything is No-Thing ☺️

Suffering is optional

 

Today's lesson:

After waited for more than ½ an hour for that parking lot only to be overtaken by another car who came swiftly in.

 

First reaction is scrutinizing my own mistake ie what have gone wrong that caused the failure...i begin screaming at the top of my lung and crying too.

 

This is when the benefit of feeling your feelings came into power. You are disappointed with yourself, you are angry at the situation. Feel it, let it come *through* you and allow the serenity to come back in. As a final thought came in i decided, the main thing that i lost...is time.

 

Next thing i know, there's an empty parking lot just around the corner that i have pass through multiple time while waiting for the previous parking lot...its even closer walking distance to my office building.

 

So our mental state should not be thinking about what happened, what have gone wrong...instead, 

Its about...Surrender.

What you want no doubt is what is 'perfect' for you.

But what's for you may be far from perfect but its the best. Why? Because... its for you.

 

Take it ☺️

osamu dazai

a perfect representation of 'polarity'  

A story that makes you believe in God

My sister delivered her new baby today, a girl which means she can stop having kids already since she had 2 boys earlier.

Thats our common conception, having children ideally in a set of both genders.

My sister had a different experience than mine. I had a boy and a girl consecutively. I am satisfied and seriously felt that my life is perfect. Im all set and done. Thats right, i should've stop. But...i went on and have another girl. 

My friends laughed at me saying, "why?you have a set! should've stop"

I was supposed to! I took contraceptive pills too.

But, God has a plan.

I didn't understand it until 10 years later, which is today. 

When i got pregnant with my 2nd daughter my whole world collapsed.

All my plans for the future sort of distorted. I never plan to have a 3rd child.

It was one of the darkest moment in my life from contemplating abortion to wishing God take her from me before being born.

I didn't hate kids, i love children. But i was so poor that time when i found out i was pregnant.

I was working on contract basis and bullied by permanent staff.

My (ex) husband took in a new car loan and purchased a property without consulting me resulting a financial crash.

I was devastated and it severely impacted my pregnancy.

I had allergies the whole 9 months and bitter taste in mouth until the 3rd trimester.

At its core, i was unable to make sense of my pregnancy.

I had post delivery complications like bleeding and prodromal labor.

I spent the last 10 days going back and forth to the hospital due to Braxton-hicks.

I was withhold from labor due to doctor personel shortage which i overheard having dispute over who get to take off day. There was only 1 doctor in charge of the whole ward that night.

I had real labor starting at 2am, i didn't dare to pee because im afraid she came out in the toilet so i held on until the doctor round the ward, which is at around 8am.

By that time i have lost my voice due to Lamaze breathing. I seriously thought im gonna die from childbirth.

When the doctor came around she realized my dilation is...9cm. Panicked she scream for labor transfer fearing baby suffocation.

At labor room the nurse told me i better push as hard as i can because my baby heartbeat is slowing down.

Hearing that i gave my all and delivered her safely however the hardship took a toll on me as i get postpartum hemorrhage and was given hypertension pills and extended ward stay for monitoring.

It was another struggle as my breast milk is not produced yet and my baby was crying hungrily all night.

She was born with flu-like condition possibly due to infection from airway opening through dilation.

She got milk formula allergy and her skin is sensitive to insect bites causing it to bruise and swollen.

She quickly contracted pneumonia 2 weeks before her 1st birthday.

She couldn't make a sentence at 3 years old and still baby talks.

She still couldn't read in kindergarten. Just days before her primary 1 school begins then...she finally able to read.

She is 9 now and recently received best student award in her class for Pendidikan Islam subject.

But thats not it.

Up till now, i never understand why. Why God gave me her since i already had a set of children and having her is a great struggle.

But today...i finally understood why.

When i had my two children i thought, that was it. Im on top of the world. I have everything and i was pleased and comfortable with myself. I didnt move, i was on autopilot a.k.a hanyut.

I wouldn't realized what i've been missing from my original mission.

Before i reverted i have a clear picture in my mind of what i want my life to become.

Its about being devoted to Islam and just...peace.

Peace, since that was what i never have since being born.

I was born in a chaotic household as my parents are heavily alcoholic with one being anti social and the other is diagnosed with clinical depression.

I have planned my marriage as my escape from my childhood trauma which obviously (my marriage) a placebo turned toxin.

But if i only have 2 children, i would never aware of its demise, i probably continue live life while slowly losing myself for worldly matters.

However my 3rd child, serves as cue call alarming that my marriage was failing.

How?

As the youngest, i was more concerned of her reaction towards the divorce.

Thus as the last resort to save my marriage i made her as an ultimatum for my ex husband to never neglect her as a final resolution to avoid the divorce from taking place.

It worked.

For only 2 months.

She was denied water, food and medication exactly as i was in 2017 when she's having a fever and left inside a car while the ex making arrangements for his brother's new car hand over.

So having a 3rd child is what save me from a disastrous relationship that almost cost me my mental health as i have been prescribed with anxiety medication. 

God had actually sent help 9 years prior!...through hardship sans explanation or reasoning.

And it took me 10 years to understand since the day i found out i was pregnant of why oh why i have a 3rd child when i already have a set.

Therefore, Allah's plan is not easily interpreted but always the best. It took tears and confusion until one day it just finally clicked.

This is what it means to trust the process and ride the waves. And for some it may take a year or two, for some like me it took 9 years to come into full circle.

So dear me,

Maybe you're confuse why you still had this mediocre job that comes along with hardship of being transfered multiple times unwillingly, dealing with toxic work environment for 5 years, facing troubled colleagues causing extra workload, commute by foot to work under the sun and rain.

Take heart, things are unfolding until slowly it...clicked. 

Amin☺️

Post traumatic growth

what Tmbt 107km finisher delayed by 14minutes taught me.

Grace and Letting go.

I never expected the result.

I thought its either i became a finisher with medal Or i Did Not Finish again.

Last year i failed at 58.8km due to bad weather and AMS. In regards of speed i was doing very well for my own standard.

So this year,

This year im prepared.

I trained intensively for a month and i went as far as taking AMS pill which i never did in my life.

So in regards of gear, i am well prepared, i got new shoes and new pole. I made a mistake with socks though i should've focused on preventing blister than cold...trust me no matter how strong you are, blister is like a dog bite that won't let go until you gave them a pat in the head.

However, thats the thing about failure...they haunt and dragged you. Last year's bad weather gives me somekind of trauma i almost decided to run with thermal inner for the 2nd part of the 107km. Gladly i didn't because it was rather sunny and calming sense in the race...doing a light run within the mountain, makes sure you stop, take breath not for picture though...just take your introspective moment of you doing a run at 80km overseeing the majestic mountain. Unless you're going for your personal best of course, no judgement there.

You are here, You are Alive, just appreciating life.

So back to the story, what lesson?

Grace and letting go.

I was rather grumpy en route to Paka view, i kept asking myself "why are you doing this for the 2nd time?you registered last minute that means you planned this as if its decision made on 'a sudden change of heart' or 'taking the leap of faith' style. So why are we here again?what are you trying to prove?.

Oh yeah....i was already mildly grumpy en route to Lobong-lobong. Uphill always gets the best of me.  You might think i like downhill then, its always like that right, our brain works in polarity.

Wrong!.

I was even grumpier at Liposu lama i was telling myself if uphill jalan menuju ke sorga then downhill are road made for the deads.

Have i try to look on the bright side during the run? I did.

Last year i was entertained by the kids selling drinks at the pineapple ridge.

This year i was amazed by the wonders and beauty of 'behind the scene: of ultra trail marathon'. The kindness of homestay owners, the joy of kids trying to show their English speaking skills, older locals helped to refill your water, long time friends doing volunteers greeted you and telling you, you're doing well with time. The lady who served pasta concern of your portion so you won't vomit and cameraman. Cameraman who patiently waited to give you the best angle regardless of your standard. As a winner or as a loser you get to see how you look when no one is looking.

Lastly about the bright side of things is the crew of TMBT. I seriously thought they were angels send by God when they offered me 100 plus that i thought they're selling when i already have no single sip of water left (just a side note if you're a type who drinks a lot please take more water en route Kibbas to Perkasa, they're no gerai for you to buy drinks)

It was 2 crew member who fill up my bladder and told me, that i can make it. That get me running again even with a powerful blister growing on my foot. Seriously its like i got this new magical strength to pursue with pure hope i can make it, that magical touch of hope sends me running uphill which my own mental limitation never expect me to do, it sends me going full speed at the finish line. It was Magic!

Thank you for the two crew members ; angels send by God.

Also...i didn't actually get his name. He is the friendly guy with big heart always greeting runner with a assisting demeanor. He gladly offer to take my drop bag when im already late and he is also the one who gave me a hug at the end consoling me crying and said repeatedly "you are a finisher, a finisher!". He is the epitome of a guy with the biggest heart.

So how did i learn Grace and Letting go.

Grace is stop being grumpy and downsize matters.

"Why am i climbing Paka?well its because those are the hills you look through your eyes in distance and having intrusive thoughts of wondering how did the farmers get to built their sulap waaayyy up there. So now you know!."

Why do the road to Liposu is not made walkable? Then you should learn to rephrase your question why does it call The Most Brutal Thing? The course race track is selected as a getaway for you to experience another side of life than the mundane route you jog flat next to the sea. In your case (yes im speaking me to me in this sense) if it really hurts your knee then maybe you should be more discipline with your knee strengthening exercise allocated time which always lose to hours and hours of scrolling tiktok. See...you know where problem is. 

If anger is grief's bodyguard. Grumpy is a side effect of procrastination on problem solving.

Being grumpy is creating excuses to self soothes your own self sabotage habit.

To be a finisher of 107km with the time set for is not what you do in that one month before race. It is what you're made of in your entire life or at least the entire year. You're a true ultra trail runner and success can determine that.

Life should not set at the end. I know some people had already figured their life out. Like, im gonna be a wife-a happy wife-the end. Or im going to travel the world-travel they do-the end. Setting life in the end works only if you are trying you manifest something. If you are out here to learn, be water.

Life...is like a jumpscare, a box of chocolate, a series of "whyyyy did this happen to meeee"

So no, we should not set our life in the end. I know that gives you success because of mental focusing and discipline but life, life offers you a series of events for you to learn to test out to discover who and what you truly are. It changes your plan till you come to a realization that there are way powerful energy than this whole planet earth can comprehend ; God the Universe.

Tmbt 107km finisher delayed by 14 minutes awaken me that it is not always about bringing home a tshirt and a medal. Its what changes and awaken something inside be it attitude,limitation, realization or the inner side of you that you have been overlooking and avoiding perhaps your entire life.

About letting go, is your readiness to be free from your own mental limitation, of hanging on to false hope/belief and fear, basically.

I cannot remember how many times im going back and forth looking and picking for my glove as if the success of my life is solely based on that gloves rather than my own willingness to survive.

Thats what suck about attachment.

We see attachment as attachment, you love collecting things, your socks gives you comfort, your poles helped you through difficult routes, your power gel helped you stays awake. But these are things, while you are...a Giant within.

Letting go is make peace with yourself that, this is how your experience gonna be. You finished at the time set even without gloves. But, like i said thats the thing about failure it haunts and put limits into your head.

Failure is fear. Which also mean, i started this journey based on....Fear.

Not many of us realize, we are making decision based on a guideline set by our own fear.

Some people did not get married for the reason of fear of being disappointed by the other person. Some people fear of getting divorce that they never get the same intimacy from another human ever again. 

So letting go teaches us to unleash fear, let it roam. We are here to experience, not to control.

If i froze my hand at 80km so be it, thats just another lesson for me to experience which means, losing the gloves catapult me to new experience new realization of what im capable of.

Letting go means...let God handle it. Because letting go coincide with the existence of fixation ie attachment.

So, all in all. 

Tmbt 107km finisher delayed by 14  minutes is it a good thing or a bad thing.

I give you an epiphany by Alan Watts.

"Expecting a positive experience is, a negative experience"

By having it positively that means your mental limitation still soothes your habits. Meaning they still support your delusion on how life should be (as i wrote earlier setting life on an end). 

By having a negative experience is; activating your inner power, make peace with your inner child trauma and limitation. Its a spiritual awakening 😊

So this is when we can say, its not bad its also not good, i even plan to stop running and sell or giveaway my running shoes.

But, after sitting with my feelings and got better sleep i realized...running is not my passion. My passion IS running. Me. I am in charge. Not my attachment ie running. Its discovering my true essence rather than just my identity ie my own unique vibration.

So, will i do it again?.

I can't say...like i said just try to live our life by not setting it on the end. 

Let me finish this writing with a quotes from Bruce Lee

"You put water in a bottle it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Water can flow, or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”

Be teachable, even if it is you that is teaching yourself ; in my case its attachment .

Tmbt 107km finisher delayed by 14minutes IS Post Traumatic Growth at its best😊