Post traumatic growth

what Tmbt 107km finisher delayed by 14minutes taught me.

Grace and Letting go.

I never expected the result.

I thought its either i became a finisher with medal Or i Did Not Finish again.

Last year i failed at 58.8km due to bad weather and AMS. In regards of speed i was doing very well for my own standard.

So this year,

This year im prepared.

I trained intensively for a month and i went as far as taking AMS pill which i never did in my life.

So in regards of gear, i am well prepared, i got new shoes and new pole. I made a mistake with socks though i should've focused on preventing blister than cold...trust me no matter how strong you are, blister is like a dog bite that won't let go until you gave them a pat in the head.

However, thats the thing about failure...they haunt and dragged you. Last year's bad weather gives me somekind of trauma i almost decided to run with thermal inner for the 2nd part of the 107km. Gladly i didn't because it was rather sunny and calming sense in the race...doing a light run within the mountain, makes sure you stop, take breath not for picture though...just take your introspective moment of you doing a run at 80km overseeing the majestic mountain. Unless you're going for your personal best of course, no judgement there.

You are here, You are Alive, just appreciating life.

So back to the story, what lesson?

Grace and letting go.

I was rather grumpy en route to Paka view, i kept asking myself "why are you doing this for the 2nd time?you registered last minute that means you planned this as if its decision made on 'a sudden change of heart' or 'taking the leap of faith' style. So why are we here again?what are you trying to prove?.

Oh yeah....i was already mildly grumpy en route to Lobong-lobong. Uphill always gets the best of me.  You might think i like downhill then, its always like that right, our brain works in polarity.

Wrong!.

I was even grumpier at Liposu lama i was telling myself if uphill jalan menuju ke sorga then downhill are road made for the deads.

Have i try to look on the bright side during the run? I did.

Last year i was entertained by the kids selling drinks at the pineapple ridge.

This year i was amazed by the wonders and beauty of 'behind the scene: of ultra trail marathon'. The kindness of homestay owners, the joy of kids trying to show their English speaking skills, older locals helped to refill your water, long time friends doing volunteers greeted you and telling you, you're doing well with time. The lady who served pasta concern of your portion so you won't vomit and cameraman. Cameraman who patiently waited to give you the best angle regardless of your standard. As a winner or as a loser you get to see how you look when no one is looking.

Lastly about the bright side of things is the crew of TMBT. I seriously thought they were angels send by God when they offered me 100 plus that i thought they're selling when i already have no single sip of water left (just a side note if you're a type who drinks a lot please take more water en route Kibbas to Perkasa, they're no gerai for you to buy drinks)

It was 2 crew member who fill up my bladder and told me, that i can make it. That get me running again even with a powerful blister growing on my foot. Seriously its like i got this new magical strength to pursue with pure hope i can make it, that magical touch of hope sends me running uphill which my own mental limitation never expect me to do, it sends me going full speed at the finish line. It was Magic!

Thank you for the two crew members ; angels send by God.

Also...i didn't actually get his name. He is the friendly guy with big heart always greeting runner with a assisting demeanor. He gladly offer to take my drop bag when im already late and he is also the one who gave me a hug at the end consoling me crying and said repeatedly "you are a finisher, a finisher!". He is the epitome of a guy with the biggest heart.

So how did i learn Grace and Letting go.

Grace is stop being grumpy and downsize matters.

"Why am i climbing Paka?well its because those are the hills you look through your eyes in distance and having intrusive thoughts of wondering how did the farmers get to built their sulap waaayyy up there. So now you know!."

Why do the road to Liposu is not made walkable? Then you should learn to rephrase your question why does it call The Most Brutal Thing? The course race track is selected as a getaway for you to experience another side of life than the mundane route you jog flat next to the sea. In your case (yes im speaking me to me in this sense) if it really hurts your knee then maybe you should be more discipline with your knee strengthening exercise allocated time which always lose to hours and hours of scrolling tiktok. See...you know where problem is. 

If anger is grief's bodyguard. Grumpy is a side effect of procrastination on problem solving.

Being grumpy is creating excuses to self soothes your own self sabotage habit.

To be a finisher of 107km with the time set for is not what you do in that one month before race. It is what you're made of in your entire life or at least the entire year. You're a true ultra trail runner and success can determine that.

Life should not set at the end. I know some people had already figured their life out. Like, im gonna be a wife-a happy wife-the end. Or im going to travel the world-travel they do-the end. Setting life in the end works only if you are trying you manifest something. If you are out here to learn, be water.

Life...is like a jumpscare, a box of chocolate, a series of "whyyyy did this happen to meeee"

So no, we should not set our life in the end. I know that gives you success because of mental focusing and discipline but life, life offers you a series of events for you to learn to test out to discover who and what you truly are. It changes your plan till you come to a realization that there are way powerful energy than this whole planet earth can comprehend ; God the Universe.

Tmbt 107km finisher delayed by 14 minutes awaken me that it is not always about bringing home a tshirt and a medal. Its what changes and awaken something inside be it attitude,limitation, realization or the inner side of you that you have been overlooking and avoiding perhaps your entire life.

About letting go, is your readiness to be free from your own mental limitation, of hanging on to false hope/belief and fear, basically.

I cannot remember how many times im going back and forth looking and picking for my glove as if the success of my life is solely based on that gloves rather than my own willingness to survive.

Thats what suck about attachment.

We see attachment as attachment, you love collecting things, your socks gives you comfort, your poles helped you through difficult routes, your power gel helped you stays awake. But these are things, while you are...a Giant within.

Letting go is make peace with yourself that, this is how your experience gonna be. You finished at the time set even without gloves. But, like i said thats the thing about failure it haunts and put limits into your head.

Failure is fear. Which also mean, i started this journey based on....Fear.

Not many of us realize, we are making decision based on a guideline set by our own fear.

Some people did not get married for the reason of fear of being disappointed by the other person. Some people fear of getting divorce that they never get the same intimacy from another human ever again. 

So letting go teaches us to unleash fear, let it roam. We are here to experience, not to control.

If i froze my hand at 80km so be it, thats just another lesson for me to experience which means, losing the gloves catapult me to new experience new realization of what im capable of.

Letting go means...let God handle it. Because letting go coincide with the existence of fixation ie attachment.

So, all in all. 

Tmbt 107km finisher delayed by 14  minutes is it a good thing or a bad thing.

I give you an epiphany by Alan Watts.

"Expecting a positive experience is, a negative experience"

By having it positively that means your mental limitation still soothes your habits. Meaning they still support your delusion on how life should be (as i wrote earlier setting life on an end). 

By having a negative experience is; activating your inner power, make peace with your inner child trauma and limitation. Its a spiritual awakening 😊

So this is when we can say, its not bad its also not good, i even plan to stop running and sell or giveaway my running shoes.

But, after sitting with my feelings and got better sleep i realized...running is not my passion. My passion IS running. Me. I am in charge. Not my attachment ie running. Its discovering my true essence rather than just my identity ie my own unique vibration.

So, will i do it again?.

I can't say...like i said just try to live our life by not setting it on the end. 

Let me finish this writing with a quotes from Bruce Lee

"You put water in a bottle it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Water can flow, or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”

Be teachable, even if it is you that is teaching yourself ; in my case its attachment .

Tmbt 107km finisher delayed by 14minutes IS Post Traumatic Growth at its best😊

synchronicities

baru semalam membebel to my kids sebap Mufi merajuk kena catu internet quota dia.

She was bawling her eyes out saying i hate her so i called her out.

As a naturally sarcastic person i begin to lecture,

"So if im giving you a reminder, advises, limitation and set of rules that ; your internet quota could last until the end of the cycle.....that means i hate you.

But if i let you use the internet until it reaches its limit before the end of the month causing you to run out of internet for the remaining few days and waiting in vain until the next cycle.....that's love?"

Love hurts and not,

Hurt in a way of setting boundaries, in a way of delaying gratification in a way of facing conflict upfront, in a way of expressing it opposing to courtesy and tactfulness.

But love does not hurt in a way of completing the big picture, drawing it is a lot of work considering funds and mental readiness but...that final picture worth the courage to face it head on.

Love does not hurt in a way...your loved ones manage to internalize the wisdom before time. 

Love does not hurt in a way that you did not let them loose of making mistakes. 

Love hurts and not.

Anyway...this morning this picture shows up in my newsfeed.

Delayed gratification is a form of love.

Sacrifice is love.

Courage, courage is love.

If im afraid my kids holding a grudge on me for my black & white rule of thumb, then i could never dare to let them feel uncomfortable.

But being uncomfortable, being triggered is a sign of change.

And change is hard work. A bloody hard work.

Back to last night, Mufi agrees that love hurts and not, kissed me goodnight and limit her internet usage this morning. As mother deal with it and hope for the best is our only choice.

Love hurts and not.

Basically life is a fusion of pain and remedy all mixed in a delicious hot soup broth that you sip during grey rainy days.

Have fun cooking and enjoy it to the last bit☺️

Concept : conscious uncoupling

never know what it is until i walk through it...guess i've manifested it.

The Light.

Growth is a lonely journey, 

whatever you do,

maintain your eyesight towards the light.

So you will be able to later step into the light and shine.

Until your embodiment of the light creates your shadow behind you,

That turn into memory, into lesson imprinted as your mark.

Your mark in this world,

That you exist,

And that...

you made the best of it.

Dimana pun kau berada.

Ambil waktu tuk mendengar qalbu mu berbisik menyatakan rasa yang perlu kau tenangi.

Atau, tangguhmu itu kan menjawab dengan kata berlangsir buat menyelindungi ronta.

Andai...kau berhasil keluar dari kemelut itu, maka ratakan galau itu dengan bingkisan hujah yang bernoktah.

Back Page.

The back page always have spontaneous stories,

...just as the kids who sits at the back of the class,

Some of my classmate who sits at the back has become enforcement officer, some married a rich wife, some business owners.

I myself used to sit at the back of the class (the smart kids class) ; which i hated, one time ago.. for 6 months i think, then deliberately caused  being kicked out of that class to another class (the tiada masa depan class) 

...guess i have the tendency to refuse to sit among my supposed peers and rather choose who i feel like it...

In a negative perspective its called 'cheating' to deliberately being transfer to last class.

In a positive light : its called 'strategy' because then i deny all expectation of being one of the smart kids.

The truth is i hated competition, in that A class its a rat race who gets the highest marks and contribute to school statistic.

But i want to live, i want to know who my friend is, how they live their life, why some of their houses use white fluorescent lamps and some uses orange bulbs...

So make careful plans but be spontaneous at our approach.. #livealittle 

Happy Saturday ya'll!

2 hour and 15 minutes reimbursed

im curious...
so if you visited a country that the time zone is delayed 2 hours.
Do your body...adjust to it?
say...you usually wake up at 5am originally, do you wake up 3am at the current place?
or that you usually do your morning dump at 7am...how about at the new place?...business at usual? or the urge wakes you up at 5am...

well...lets find out the next couple of days😊
Welcome To Nepal.

My Journey Thru Fitness

i remember,
when in 2018,
i went to collect for my race pack of Borneo Marathon.

I saw this lady,
walking around behind the counter carrying her water bottle,
she's one of the organizer personel.

I remember,
looking at her and thinking,
Geez...i bet all those drinking water made her so fit.
She was about 40 years old,
maybe plus,
She was walking around with her back on straight posture.
Her agility,
The way her muscle contract and release..

I thought that was all water.

But,
a year later.

I know better.

What i didn't see,
is that,
she probably doing crunches(plus bicycle crunches) 15 seconds, 3 reps a day with 5 second intervals.
She might do 1 minute and a half of planking front and side to side each.
She did leg raises, hamstring raise, squats,lunges,spider and mountain climb and...push up,

Daily.

I bet,
that is what,
i didn't see.

😊

Its easier to compliment people based on simple excuses.
But, to really offer kudos towards them for the 'real' things they did is almost impossible.

We usually just call them,
Crazy.

Road to Dean List PJJ-USM

First of,
What Is Dean List?
After asking around, Dean List is the annual list of students who gets a GPA of 3.5 pointer.
Some universities sets 3.67 but USM fix it at 3.5.
Dean List is also bound to quota limit, which is another way of saying the Board decided who gets to be listed.
The board sets the quota as how many students according to programes ie, Science 5-10 students, Social Science 5-7 students, Literature 5 students etc.
Honestly, there is still a major confusion as to if i am qualified for Dean List. Some says instead of GPA, its the CGPA that qualify the Dean List. Yet, some says the CGPA is for First Class (a higher category) who gets a CGPA above 3.5 every year and they're the ones who get the best seat in the hall during convocation hihi
So why Dean List?
well...i heard they're(USM) giving out RM500 incentive, i dont know hahaha
But other than that to me, it proves (at least to myself) that im not just...doing further study but i...i get the gist, the core of the knowledge that i have studied.
Also, i guess i made Sabahan proud that me ; Tanak Sabah walk that stage and....smile for the camera hahah

So, these are my journey so far, im looking at the CGPA instead of GPA, because im not even sure if i got listed this year so i tend to overlook the GPA to ensure less heartbroken hahah, no, its okay i have come to terms and fully accepted if i miss my chance again this year.

year 1 : short by 0.09
year 2 : short by 0.07
year 3 : short by 0.04

...maybe Tuhan tidak bagi saya dekan mungkin kerana jika saya dapat, saya mungkin akan menggunakannya untuk membangga diri.

Lalu Tuhan hanya berikan saya progress supaya saya yakin bahawa segala sesuatu yang baik pasti indah pada waktunya.

I still got 2 round/semester as a fighting chance.

Amazingly, compared to last year's reaction to failure...i didn't even cry at this year's failure

Road to ABC Aug '19 Part.1

So...its, 

barely 2 weeks before the exploration of yet another adventure (provided her knees allowed her)

Hence, i decided to share my Famous Inventory for Summer Trek of Annapurna Base Camp(sarcastically of course...)

Here goes...

Footwear

1.Ysandal :these are a specialised sandal for recovery and long distance running as it absorbs impact to prevent injury on the knees and made from high quality rubber...will do review on this soon

2. Strap sandal : any will do, so long that it has good grip and easily removed rubbles

3. Hiking shoes : i bring my Salomon xa Kuban

4. Thick socks : preference wooly, August is not snowy season instead its rainy season yet, it can get chilly at night.

5. Toe socks : best to prevent blister for long hours hike or run, you can wear it together with strap sandals for comfort.

6. Gaiters : just to ensure rubbles did'nt get into your shoes

(photos for illustration purpose only, this one is taken during the 2 days 1 nite trip to Mount Mantapok, Ranau, Sabah, Borneo. I have'nt took the one for ABC yet, i doubt it fits the frame hahah)

Accesories

1. Thermal gloves : mine is only thermal so its not practical for outdoor wear, best to get a pair with waterproof feature

2. Knee support : these are not just accesory for me, instead its mandatory due to injury from full marathon last April, these has become a neccesity.

3. Brim hat : these are more practical for full day hiking instead of a cap or a visor because of its full coverage

4. Umbrella : main challenge fro Annapurna base camp circuit are the long hours hike and the gradual increase of elevation(causing AMS) but its almost leisure instead of gruelling and so you can still make use your hand to hold yourr umbrella if it rains during the hike 
5. Windbreaker : rainy season also brings wind with it, mine is not a lightweight but i hope it still works its magic
6. Sarung : This one is my friend's Zarin idea of celebrating Eid ul Adha in Nepal.
7. Walking stick/pole : i bring one from my last Borneo Ultra Trail Marathon and planing to buy another one in Kathmandu.
8. Buff : for dust, cold air and wipe off sweats
9. face mask : not neccesary but if you plan to take cute pictures then hey, why not :)
10. Clothes peg : im gonna use these to hang my inner hijab on my day pack and dry it under the sun while hiking
11. Headlamp + battery : in case you need the toilet visit at night
12. Foot/hand warmer : i never use them, but im a type of person who can't handle cold temperature 
13. Hot water pouch : -ditto- this one is to put inside the sleeping bag at night
14. Telekung & sejadah : i only take the mini sejadah juz enough for the head area and a nylon telekung
15. Poncho : because August is the rainy season

Underwear 
1. Sports bra : bring at least 9 pair so you could change to a new pair every day during the hike
2. Normal bra : these are for the free at leisure days in hotels and transits
3. Disposable underwear : my first time to try it out...i hope i wont get yeast infection hahaha
4. Panties : proper ones hihi for leisure activities in hotels

Medication
1. Minyak Bidara : i found this work out on my knees to subdue the pain
2. Counterpain : Analgesic cream
3. Hurix muscle : for muscle pain
4. Hurix Flu : my nose tends to get congested in cold weather
5. Charcoal tablets : helps with bloated stomach due to indigestion
6. Pil chi Kit Tec Aun : for stomach pain and diarhhea
7. Diamox : for Acute mountain sickness and climatizing
8. Paracetamol : for general headache and painkiller
9. Ostematrix : my daily supplement for bones
10. B-Complex : -ditto- this one is...my 'happy pill' hihi also for energy booster
11. SR Vit C : -ditto- for general well being
12. Koyok (i dont know else to call them hahah) : muscles patch
13. First Aid Kit : including gauze,medical tape,plaster,compression bandages
14. ORS : for reyhdration and prevent and helps muscle cramp
15. Insect repellant : sometimes...there shall be leeches hahah

Toiletries/grooming/hygiene
1. Vaseline -for blister, dry hands, moisturizer, multi-purpose item
2. Nivea hand cream : i have...badly wrinkle hands haha
3. Hand sanitizer : comes handy when you took snack/meal break during the hike
4. Hair Comb : regardless how short your hair and regardless how small your comb, everything must be listed
5. Cetaphil : face moisturizer
6. Aloe Vera : i use these for night mask plus its also good for sunburn or after-sun
7. Facial wash : if possible pack it in smaller tube
8. Toothpaste + brush : pack the ones just the size for 3 weeks trip
9. Shower gel : pack these in smaller bottle too
10. Bath Towel : pick quick-dry material and medium size, mine is 50 x 100cm
11. Hand Towel : if you dont want to get mix up between your sweat and wiping hands, if you dont mind the buff should suffice.
12. Lip balm/tint : you can use vaseline for balm but the lip tint is to ensure you look dandy tho' miserable(tired) hahah
13. Body Mist : practically useful as, shower cost you RM20 per use hahaha
14. Deadorant : -ditto-
15. Wet tissue : after snacking by the side of the trail with no water nearby

* you can add sunblock if you used to applying it

Outfit
1. Dri-fit tshirt + armsleeves : preferably atheletic fit for agility
2. Compression Pants : to prevent injury and as inner at higher elevation
3. Hiking pants : pick quick dry and lightweight material
4. Down jacket : for use at the base camp (elevation 4100m ++)
5. Short pants for layer : just...for style i guess hahah
6. Longjohns : as pyjama
7. Sweater/fleece jacket : as outer wear during resting and overnight at tea houses
8. Casual wear : for sightseeing around town, market and hotel area
9. Nashata Sports hijab : because they're quick dry

Food
1. Magic biscuit : this particular crackers is very filling,i think
2. Dates : excellent source of carb as glycogen replinishment
3. Candied ginger : to regulate body temperature
4. Sambal : any kind will do as extra flavor to the meals included in the hiking package
5. CEO coffee : my fave coffee tho'

Gadget
1. International adaptor : invest on buying your own so you have the liberty to use it all night long instead of waiting for your turn
2. Garmin recharger : for your watch 
3. Mp3 : who dont need music anyway??
4. Hp recharger : its quite costly to purchase a network coverage but for a quick selfie you need your hp all the time
5. Mini powerbank : because the normal one weight almost half a kilo hahah
6. DSLR & Micro SDs : make sure you bring extra micro SD hihi

Bags
1. 50L backpack + waterproof cover : im flying Malindo which only give me 25kg free cargo
2. Daypack + water bladder : where you store food, medication,gadget and water
3. Zippered plastic bag : as storage for your items you didn't bring during the hike and keep it at the hotel.
4. Sealed plastic bag : for passport and money

well...i hope i listed everything and lets do this💪