Men ; of partnership

(Aragorn when he first laid eyes on Eowyn)

Watching the Lord of the rings tells me a bit about men and their match-making.

A man can truly love a woman, and still choose another.

(Possibly explains a bit why men cheat and fold)

Aragorn + Arwen : high stakes,

Of status and high classes, picking Arwen means he must be King first.

Partnership with Arwen is all work and chivalry.

He'll be amongst kings.

Possibly led to his death too.

Full of hardship, trials & errors.

Tiring and too challenging at times.

Partnership with Arwen will always hold him up at stake.

With too much to lose although with much to gain at the same time. 

But,

Aragorn + Eowyn.

He can be a simple man.

Live a simple life as a middle status man (husband to King's niece)

He can relax and enjoy the view while having a comfort company of feminine energy.

He can chill and just sway with everything romantic.

He's still be well respected by Eowyn and people  within the castle.

He can fine dine with good drinks, quality clothing and just chill in the beautiful kingdom of Rohan.

By all means, Aragorn should choose Eowyn.

Eowyn does not steal him from Arwen, its just because Aragorn probably could never live up to Arwen standard and all her accessories.

To be with her, Aragorn must be....a King. After living his whole life in exile and banished from his own rightful kingdom. Even got a nickname as Strider describing his way of living ; travelling all the time with no fix place to live or settle ; 

He, must be King to be with, Arwen.

Instead with Eowyn, nothing is being asked of him. Just the way he is, he gained respect just by being a chivalrous warrior thats all.

He's already well accepted by Theoden the king of Rohan to take the hands of Eowyn his niece.

So logically...

Aragorn should choose Eowyn.

But no...

(Aragorn's face reminiscing the events that he parted with Arwen)

Lord of the rings depicts a man's choices in life.

He could love Arwen for her beauty regardless with all her heavy accessories i.e war, death & suffering.

But it is his mission in life that puts a price tag on whom he should choose.

Thats why men these days rather settle for stability(Eowyn)

But traditionally men have a quest of achieving glory and success and rather choose Arwen for she symbolize all that.

It's not always a man's fault to cheat. A woman can cost him his life in exchange for status and achievement.

But...if all men choose stability, then...who would be Kings?

That's why a man can love a woman like mad and at last, still choose another woman...and possibly still in love with the former.

Because why would anyone reject stability?

That's a question only a strong (not loyal-loyalty isn't always useful in times of trying)man can answer.

Why would he reject stability and go full head on a quest with no telling if he would ever be successful or not.

Its because, he's not trying to win Arwen's love for her beauty or standard or luxury or even her  genetics.

He is on a personal journey of himself to be a King of his own.

So...it's never about the women, be it her beauty or her social class or even her sacrifices (Arwen renounce her immortal life to marry Aragorn)

In the end...its the worth of a man himself.

Is he a king?

Or a middle class man.

Things that we think are real, but aren't ; Separation.

Contoh Separation ialah bila kita feeling nostalgik.

Kita rasa rindu dan berjauhan/terpisah dari peristiwa, tempat, orang.

Contoh ; dulu saya selalu makan di restoran veggie masa ayman masi dalam kandungan. Setiap kali lalu kawasan tpt tu, mesti rasa terpisah dari kenangan tersebut rasa sedih berbaur sendu mengenang saat² mencabar mengandungkan ayman sewaktu ekonomi baru mau berkembang.

Walhal, kini kedai masih wujud dan saya bebas utk merasa makanan itu, ayman masih mencabar kewibawaan sy sebagai ibu, pemilik restoran juga masih berwajah yang sama...sebagai peniaga restoran sayuran mgkn itulah tidak tergugat oleh penuaan.

Dulu dan kini saya masih boleh mereka situasi yang sama mahupun berbeza mengikut kemahuan saya.

Bukti kita tidak terpisah, segalanya sedang wujud serentak.

In the midst of chaos, there is stillness.

Butm 2025 tahun ini agak special yah, apa itu mungkin disebabkan trail yang berlumpur dan menggelongsor, cuaca hujan dari flag off ke petang dan ke lewat malam atau juga mungkin kurangnya penyertaan daripada perlari² otai.

Namun, ini semua baru bagiku. Kali pertama aku menyertai larian denai ialah butm 30km 2018.
Sebelumnya aku menganggap tiada yang istimewa tentang larian denai. Ku bilang, "sudahnya kau berlari berjam-jam, kena panas dan hujan, menghadap risiko bahaya dalam hutan lagi, where's the fun in that?no joy!"
Namun selepas merasa kenyamanan bambu² di Namadan, ternyata asyik juga yah dan dari situlah aku menjadi perlari denai, baru lagi baru 7 tahun.
Lalu apa yang aku harapkan semenjak klik register 100km pada bulan disember yg lalu, wajar pastinya ingin mendapatkan medal sebagai menebus medal yang terlepas bukan rezeki pada tmbt 100km 23.
Hakikatnya medal hanya suatu tanda namun tidak semestinya memberi makna.

Lalu, apa yang kita cari?
Pemikiran manusia punya 'lapisan' a.k.a shadow self. Mungkin pada lapis pertama aku punyai misi realistik iaitu ingin mengenali dan mengalami kesemua siri 100 km di pantai barat, dari kiulu (butm) ke kota belud (kar) ke kundasang-ranau(tmbt).
Selepas mengecapi semua, jujur aku rancang untuk bersara terus dari kategori 100km.
Apakah 'lapisan' kedua?
Dendam.
Jujur...ada sedikit baki dendam tersisa apabila aku cuma kelewatan 14 minit 15 saat pada tmbt 2023. Memang bukan medal yang jadi idaman namun, pengiktirafan itu suatu kebanggaan, it boost our self esteem, honestly. Dendam semakin tebal apabila aku mendengarkan gosip² bahawa ada juga yang lewat sejam namun diberi masa tambahan. Tidak dinafikan, dendam merupakan elemen paling kuat yang menjadi pembakar semangat kerana energinya dendam mempunyai vibrasi yang aktif berbanding 'berdamai dengan takdir'.
'Lapisan' ketiga bagaimana pula?
Nah...disini ku berikan ruang kosong untuk diriku sendiri bagi mendalami makna 100km pada kali ini.

Pelbagai dugaan dan keraguan ku hadapi sepanjang perjuangan selama 2 bulan. Waktu terhad untuk latihan terutamanya. Namun kadangkala apa yang kita kesalkan bukanlah berlaku 'ke atas' kita namun, ianya berlaku 'untuk' kita. Kekangan masa untuk LSD membuatkan aku fokus ke arah plyometrics dan isometrics. Maka disini aku mencadangkan buat kawan² runner yg mempunyai masalah lutut mahupun kelelahan, khas kan masa untuk 2 senaman tersebut. Percayalah, nampak mudah dan bosan namun impaknya berkesan.

Selain itu, aku juga adjust jadual lsd secara berperingkat dan pada waktunya, training lah sesungguhnya tanpa alasan sungguhpun hujan atau panas. Kurangkan memberi omelan (naratif) pada diri sendiri. Tepis keinginan untuk membuat perbandingan dengan org lain. "Bisakah aku seperti dia?10 loop bukit botak? Gak, gak bisa. Karna kamu nggak perlu." Yah begitulah bunyi monolog dalam kepalaku. Sesuaikan dengan diri sendiri, 10 loop adalah the best untuk dia, untuk dirimu reka sesuatu yang khusus untuk dirimu saja.
Perkara yang runner selalu terlepas pandang ialah 'overtraining'. Maka, batalkan saja. Duduklah di kedai kopi menempah segelas kopi panas mahupun di tepi sungai bebas tanpa tekanan yang berpotensi menghukum diri. Namun, itu normal. Fitrahnya manusia menyalahkan diri sendiri apabila dia serasa mengabaikan goal dirinya demi bersantai tanpa komitmen. Usah bimbang semua boleh dilatih. Pelan² ubah sikap pasti akan bebas.

Ketidakupayaan training lsd yang kerap menyebabkan confidence diri agak rendah, mungkin inilah penyebabnya aku lalai sehingga hampir terikut route 50km. Syukur alhamdullilah cikgu Kamal perasan, "Aik?kenapa kau disini?Situ bawah simpangmu!" Bagai ikan mengikut arus aku terhanyut mengikut suasana yang sudah terbiasa. Sebelum ini aku berpacer dengan cikgu Kamal sehingga berjaya melepasi prank extra 8km pada tahun² sebelumnya.

Seterusnya kerisauan yang melanda aku ialah Bukit Talantang. Jujur agak ngeri meneliti route map apabila di reserve kan 4 jam utk menghabisi bukit tersebut. Namun teruntuk terima kasih yang luarbiasa buat Jira yang sempat menasihati aku untuk membawa tongkat. Persoalannya bagaimana aku menghadap Talantang secara mental sedangkan keraguanku amat tinggi kerana aku pernah menolak untuk mengikuti lsd di sana. Lalu dengan memujuk diri ku katakan, "setiap bukit ada penghujung..pasti ada jua manis²nya" Yah benar, sungguhpun Talantang menyerupai laluan Poring² Kokol cuma lebih panjang namun ada manis²nya iaitu ada area² landainya, tetap ada jua manis²nya.

Seterusnya ialah khilafku. Ku sangkakan sudah cukup hafaz aku tentang racebook nya. Rupanya pada WS9 ada cot. Sedangkan ada dinyatakan pada bib aku tidak perasan sehingga pada hari kedua. Lalu aku bagai kesurupan speed pace uphill di Namadan. Di panas terik tengahari aku cuba sampai ke sana.
Dan pada 2 jam terakhir. Hujan sempat turun dengan lebat, ini juga membantai emosiku. Lokasi tandas jauh dari WS10 mengucar-ngacirkan naratif teguh yang telah kubentuk sejak awalnya. Aku mulai meletakkan hukum, bahawa aku akan sampai pada pukul 5.45pm. Biar saja aku peserta uncit, hal itu juga bukan sesuatu yang asing bagiku.

Namun...sedari, kita ialah co-writer kehidupan kita sendiri. Yakni, kita dengan Tuhan sajalah yang menentukan jalan cerita kita. Meletakkan 5.45pm sebagai finish time merupakan tabiat yang cuba mengawal takdir. Sedangkan kita pemegang pen, Tuhan yang menyediakan kertas. Apapun yg kita ingin experience jika tiada wadah. Mau sekeras apapun sesuatu itu tidak akan wujud tanpa izinNya.

Terdapat banyak lagi 'drama' yang berlaku, sepertinya jam yang habis bateri, blister paha akibat leg compression, headlamp juga habis bateri dan seperti biasa...air tangki biru.
Namun...ini semua membuat aku sedar ; Kontrol your naratif. Jika tidak mampu kontrol akibat emosian, sekurang-kurangnya tanya pada diri "whats your naratif?" Biar pikiran memutarkan ilusinya dan benarkan Qalbu menegur dan membidas ilusi tersebut sekaligus memujuk untuk menerima apa adanya.

Yah, 'lapisan' ketiga yang kutemui pada 100km kali ini ialah, in the midst of chaos, there is stillness.
Benar bagaimana mungkin perlari denai mampu mencapai keseronokan jika diberi ujian² berat seperti mengharungi cuaca, bermain dengan nyawa, dilanda kecemasan dan ketakutan, berlapar tanpa tidur, badan berbau seperti kerbau, tekanan perasaan mengejar cot, trail yang rosak serosak rosaknya sehingga hampir hilang maksud 'trail running' itu sendiri, lain lagi membayangkan jalan cerita tanpa klimaks jika gagal.

Namun...disitulah tersembunyinya 'stillness'. Suatu bentuk ketenangan halus, sangat dalam dan sunyi senyap tanpa sebarang bisikan.
Hal ini hanya mampu dikecapi oleh jiwa raga yang didahului dengan rusuh dan galau.
Namun nikmatnya ; 'saya', 'diriku' dan 'aku' mulai bersapaan. Kita akan lebih mengenal setiap sosok peribadi sendiri. Kita mulai jujur kepada diri sendiri tanpa 'shadow self' yg penuh dgn ilusi.  Kita mulai percaya kemampuan menghadapi suasana tanpa paksaan.

Panjang sekali nukilan kali ini yah, namun aku tidak mengambil sebarang gambar semasa event berlangsung. Kerana menurutku kisah kejayaan sebenar dalam trail running bukan pada hari event. Namun apa yang kita lakukan di belakang tabir.
Itulah kejayaan sebenar.
Sekian penulisan, panjang umur bertembung jua di event² bawah 60km😊

storytime finisher 100km KAR

I had a panic attack at 2am di Kg. Gansurai.

Umum yg suda pernah melepasi route 60km KAR sudah maklum area Gansurai agak mistik.

Ada yang tercium bau harum, ada yg 'kelihatan', ada yg meremang bulu.

Logikal, suasana Gansurai memang terlihat creepy sebab, 1)sunyi kawasan rumah tertutup oleh pokok² (2)aside from podiumers kawasan ini akan dilewati pada waktu wee hours maksudnya tengahmalam (3)uphill tak nampak langit menambah suasana misteri.

So, sebelum start 100km memang sudah berdialog dgn diri sendiri, bagaimana harus menangani situasi di kawasan tersebut. Pada awalnya menganggap "paling tidak pun seperti sebelumnya tak tersengaja berpacer dgn runner lain" 

Namun pada kali itu...sobat runner yang pernah berpacer di kawasan tersebut sudah menamatkan percubaan di water station sebelumnya.

Aku menyapa marshall sebelum mulai hill attack dgn bahasa basi "ada anjing ka?" Oh tiada, jawabnya. "Pelan² saja, di atas sejuk sampai nyamuk pun tiada tu" 

Ok kataku dalam hati, nyamuk tiada apalagi anjing. This should be tolerable.

Sepanjang naik, hanya berselisih dengan 2 orang runner walhal tempoh hill attack mengambil masa hampir sejam.

Tengok depan, boring rasa seksanya. Mencuba untuk melihat sekeliling rasa mistik pula.

Lalu mulailah mengira KM, "eh kan sepatutnya selepas melepasi generator tu boleh nampak rumah² orang kampung" "sabar...sikit masa lagi jam 3, lepas tu jam 4, pasti ada orang kampung yg gerak ke kebun seawal jam 5. Ertinya jam sekalian sudah pasti ada orang² yang bangun dari tidur"

Namun, suasana masih gelap, pekat.

Dan....pada saat inilah. Aku masuk dalam survival mode.

"Macam mana lah tu...kalau ko kena heart attack di sini." 

🤯

Sejurus selepas pemikiran itu melalui didalam benak...segala macam pemikiran seasasnya mulai timbul.

"Adakah kau terlentang ditengah jalan atau di tepi route?"

"Adakah runner lain perasan atau sempatkah kau diselamatkan?"

Hebat yah pemikiran manusia.

Dan...laksana itu, dada kiriku mulai terasa sakit.

Perit. Nafasku mulai laju. Penglihatanku mulai berpinar-pinar.

Ketakutan menyelubungi bagai kabus hitam ingin menelan dan menutupi segalanya pada pace yang agak laju dan sepantas kilat, aku bukan dia yg sama semasa memulai acara larian.

Aku sepertinya menjadi orang lain yang bukan asalku.

Syukur alhamdullilah, aku ada membuat pembacaan bagaimana otak kita berfungsi.

Apabila berada didalam situasi demikian, sedar bahawa ianya ialah Ego-self kita yang sedang cuba mengelakkan dirinya dari terhapus.

Tugas ego ialah membantu kita terus survive dalam situasi yang membahayakan dan ego membantu kita untuk terus hidup.

Selaras dengan itu, ego memalaskan diri kita dalam comfort zone.

Apabila kita keluar atau terkeluar dari zone tersebut, ego berisiko untuk terhapus kerana pada saat getir tanpa comfort...hanya satu mampu melapangkan perasaan kita iaitu : Penyerahan total. Berserah kepada takdir, hal ini sejajar dengan kerelaan hati menerima segalanya termasuk : kematian. Yakni hal yang paling ditakuti oleh Ego-self kita.

Umum, kematian adalah hal yang menakutkan, belum puas bahagia, tak bersedia berpisah dengan orang tersayang dan ibadah belum mencukupi.

Atas dasar inilah yang menyebabkan Ego-self memberi soalan² mencabar dlm benak lalu menimbulkan ketakutan kepada diri sendiri supaya hentikan saja larian. Duduk di tepi sehingga siang dan minta pertolongan dari orang kampung.

Jujurnya, pada saat ini, hanya satu mampu menyelamatkan diri kita iaitu : Kesedaran.

Sedar bahawa, itu semua ialah ilusi rekaan Ego-self dengan niatnya utk mengekalkan kita terus hidup.

Tak jahay namun tak juga baik niatnya.

Ada hal yang memerlukan penyerahan total dan hanya mampu dikecapi pada saat yang terlalu getir contohnya menghidapi penyakit kritikal, umpamanya situasi di ambang maut.

Setiap manusia perlu melatih diri untuk Penyerahan total demi keseimbangan hidup material dan spiritual.

Impaknya kita akan jadi lebih ampuh menghadapi ujian hidup.

Namun, apabila ego-self cuba mencantas proses spiritual penyerahan total, apa yang harus kita lakukan?

Kesedaran.

Sedar, bahawasanya sakit dada ini ialah ilusi, sesak nafas ini ialah ilusi.

Teknik seterusnya, nyatakan 'persoalan' kepada diri.

"Oh?serangan jantung?bagaimana mungkin?kiraan heartbeat pada jam ialah 111. Yah itukan heartbeat brisk walk?"

"Bagaimana mungkin sakit jantung pada saat ini?Tidak panas, tidak juga tekanan. Suasana malam, sejuk, sunyi. Stressnya dimana?'

"Bagaimana mungkin ini ialah serangan jantung...jika bahu kiri dan belakang tidak merasa kebas atau sakit?"

Usai bertanyakan soalan² counterattack terhadap ego-self. Secara fizikal, senyumlah dan sedarilah bahawa "kita selamat. Laluan ini pasti ada penghujungnya. Jika tidak berhujung dengan rumah orang kampung pastinya berhujung dengan kanopi water station."

Segmen Gansurai berakhir dengan pengalaman yang luarbiasa, sesampai aku di water station. Aku membuka kasut dan baring bersebelahan runner lain. Tidak tidur namun hanya menutup mata menikmati bunyi-bunyian cangkerik dan burung² yang baru bangun bakal memulaikan hari mereka.

Aku menikmati kewujudan ku, kebersamaan ku dengan semesta selama sejam lalu meneruskan perjalanan.

Dan untuk mengakhiri cerita ini, ku simpulkan bahawa inilah penyebabnya aku menyertai program larian.

Melatih diri akan 

1)Penyerahan total

2)menikmati ujudku

3)menjiwai kebersamaan

4)bersatu dengan alam

5)menguatkan Kesedaranku.

Semoga apa yang dicari terus ditemui!

Runner's Life

Runner’s life are weird.

Your training requires you a hardcore of 3-5 hours with sometimes over 1000 elevation gain under the scorching sun or windy rain or pitch black night.

And then it needs recovery, which also involve of running for a minimum of 4-5km.

While the actual rest day, necessitate you to eat bland food.

Hobi yang pelik kan, anyway...jika diizinkan Tuhan, settle 3rd 100, kemungkinan saya switch to gym & 2 @ 3 times a week sahaja buat cardio.

Faktor umur menggalakkan senaman indoor yang optimize time use rather than performance.

Can we heal from depression?

 

So my daughter asked me last night,

‘can anyone move past a ‘loud’ ‘cringey’ phase of grief (the key development of depression disorder)’

I was explaining to her why people projects and the manifestation of their own ‘worldview’ why some people being rude to others is a sign of lack of love and that some people who are loud and opinionated is just a sign of them ‘reaching out’ and if that fails as in others beginning to distance themselves further due to their own outlandish behavior, they can’t understand it instead they fall deeper into their emotion and ended up depressed.

When this happens, they will stop ‘reaching out’ and turn sullen, melancholic, quiet, numb, hopeless and beginning to isolated even more leading to suicidal thoughts.

And my daughter asked, can they pass that phase? the loud cringey phase before they fall into depression? Can that happen?

Yes. That is why it is recommended for all of us to exercise. Because exercise means ‘movement’ meaning ‘regulation’ and ‘breathing’; meaning Life itself.

There are a number of breathing techniques called ‘Pranayama’ meaning Life force + stretching. As we pull our breath from our lower spine, raising upwards through our bowel/navel then through our stomach, through our chest then throat concluded at head area, hold it for a few second let it pause and sort of ‘filling’ your head giving a sensation of pulsation as our head about to explode, enlarge kind of feeling then, slowly release by a long exhale through the mouth/nose.

This activates our ‘Pineal gland’ responsible for increasing our intuition, awareness and clear thinking.

But the high and low of emotion caused us to get addicted. The illusion of ‘no pain no gain’ and the euphoria of getting through hardship by harnessing our survival skills makes us dwell in the situation longer than we’re suppose to.

Thus, its rather difficult to break a pattern once it started, most of the time, people started leaving the grieving people in their stage of Anger and Denial.

So as a Libra (who have a tendency of people pleasing) she asked, “but what if somebody, despite all their annoying behavior, still come forward, approach them and pull them up before they fall into depression?”

The I looked at her and said, “Don’t do it”

Everyday in and out, we are all dealing with each other’s ‘Shadow self’. It’s multiple personalities we ‘wear’ to deal with everyday situation in our life. Unless, you can recognize their Shadow (this usually only possible if you have a similar or almost similar shadow as they are in order to recognize them) then, you’re able and to work on that. In my own word “kalau ko cukup ilmu di dada, bulih la” But if not, remember, You Are Not A Psychiatrist, not an expert.

If you try, either you pull them up to higher vibration or, they pull you down. Thus, you become like them; matching frequency. Because Misery likes, Company.

So yes, we are able to swim out of drowning depression. To do that, we gotta ‘move’.

So, exercise, dancing, running, hiking, acting, sports, swim, walk and breath deeply.

We gotta love our life.

Yes…the outcome of beating grief, depression by moving and breathing is: Love.

Unconditional love. Loving what you’re doing, loving the people in your life, loving the nature, loving just the scenery.

Loving the Feeling of being Alive.

And until our biological clock runs out, we can leave in peace and still in love.

'2019 the great depression'

Naturalist

 

'She' was born before me.

I started to take interest in nature since i can remember.

Im that girl my father would call out from the back lawn if im missing from the house.

I'm the daughter that insisted on sleeping outdoors until morning when the electricity went off.

Im always the most sulky when its not my turn for forest harvesting with my dad since i always volunteer.

I'm the animal lover discovered by my father after he set a test for me and my sister on whether we should kill the monitor lizard for our food or should we let it live.

Im that girl who at 10 years old took out my little 3 wheel bicycle into the swamps area with no human inhabitants just because it was a bright sunny day.

I'm that student who went into a hole in the ground to fetch the ball and furious my teacher fearing it's a snake's nest.

And im that girl who believe about the story told by my friend that the reason why the red ants sting so bad is because they actually hide a little sword in their belly and stab us with it when it felt threatened.

As soon as i turned 17 (i was born in december, i literally took my spm while still being 16 years old)i started to look for jobs and as i moves around town i spotted a girl just about my age wearing a white tshirt with a Wildlife Expedition tour company logo.

And i thought she must be working with the animals and nature. I strive to get such jobs.

But that idea swept by as my current reality leads me to a different direction of meaningless venture.

Something happened after that and the universe kind of nudged me to get into my desired life path.

I was depressed looking for a job and just contacting anybody to help me out.

Jobless, i replace my dad on doing runs to send my brother to school.

One day i arrived home and my father said someone had been calling you many times he took the number and i called back.

It was an open interview for a tour company

I still don't know which company until i arrive and it was Wildlife expedition. My acquaintance that's been calling me was worried that i missed her call and the interview and glad i made it to the interview session.

I impressed the interviewers with a good english speech and signed in on the spot.

That was 1999.

I worked as a tourist guide and lived my dream life.

Later in 2001 we had a course for a licensed tourist guide.

Again I impressed my superiors, colleagues and the panel to a point one of my colleagues called me a 'a naturalist'

Back then a part of me felt he's being sarcastic due to jealousy on all the attention i get.

A part of me...don't quite understand what a Naturalist is.

I would rather be called a star student, an expert, best tourist guide but a naturalist is...too humble, mundane and basic to me at that time.

I stopped guiding in 2006 due marriage but resume on freelance basis up till 2010, i quit the tourism industry once and for all and had a total makeover with my life beginning 2011 by joining the public sector.

I basically just leisure through nature and not look into being specific towards it until 2016 when i climb the mt.kinabalu for the second time.

From there i started doing trips of hiking,rafting, camping, paragliding many outdoors activity.

And now, i practice grounding therapy expansively and feel more connected with nature than ever before.

As per currently im reading a book that tells a story about Opal Whiteley and it struck me what a true Pollyanna and im curious about her and went on searching for her in the internet only to found out we had 2 days difference on our birthday.

Makes sense.

So i thought i was weird.

Being called a naturalist odds me.

Then i realized...'She' has been born before and it was Opal Whiteley.

This proves that we are all a collective being, connected with one another sans separation and time is just an illusion.

So remove the idea of us being the weirdos, freaks or left out.

We are all one.

Seperlunya saja

sengaja tidak kubahas,

karna niat mencoba untuk menjadi yang terbaik.

sengaja tidak kuhiris,

karna mungkin khilaf ku sendiri.

sengaja tidak kuterjah,

karna mungkin emosi ku melambung.

sengaja tidak kuhadapi,

karna jiwaku belum tuntas.

Namun,

ada saja disana,

diantara kerak sadar dan sabar,

menanti waktu untuk meletus,

membawa cairan inti aslinya.

maaf tidak kuperjelaskan,

maaf tidak kubongkar,

maaf tidak kuselamatkanmu.

Karna ada hal yang harus kita renungi sahaja,

bagai dedaunan terapung di atas permukaan...

...aliran air terjun tujuh tingkat arasnya.

Karna ada hal yang harus berlaku dalam bentuk asalnya,

tanpa perlu ditokok atau dilakar oleh batas pemikiran sendiri.

Dan kini,

hal yang pasti terungkai sudah,

berlarilah,

jadilah jatidirimu.

teriakanlah,

mukim dirimu.

Sehingga tanpa pagar sekalipun sempadanmu disegani.

Kini saatnya,

melihatmu didalam cermin,

biasan dirimu

dalam versi yang teratas.

U Turn

It's not a u-Turn.

It's a spiral.

There's a saying that successful people know when to quit.

Either, due to energy conserving

Or plain acceptance of certain situation instead of chasing it.

Quitting sometimes requires what we say in malay ' jilat ludah balik'

Exp. 'Aku tidak akan blk lagi ke rumah ini jangan harap aku jilat ludah ku balik', 

'sudah aku ludah takkan aku jilat balik'.

This analogy is probably about making a stand, a firm believer of our personal principle.

But what if, the argument happens at 25 years old?

Do we think the standpoint view still applies at 39 years old?

Would we still not return home after that argument with the siblings?

How are we so sure that we are 'right' at 25 years old? When at 35 we receive a blow, a life changing moment.

Would 'tidak akan jilat ludah balik pendirian' still serve us?

This is when it's required for successful people to make of what seems like a U-turn. I.e 'jilat ludah balik'

It's a conceptual matter.

Not a principle matter.

Heading back to past mistakes either to correct them or to study/experience them once more is not exactly a U-turn.

It's a spiral.

A u-turn stops at one end I.e. the beginning.

Truth is it's a spiral, because our journey still resumes, continuously evolving.

Regardless public opinion of us ; heading back to what once broke us.

Realize. We are the only one that exists in our mind.

The people we see, the ones we actually 'see' that became our close circle is basically the reflection of us.

A made up story design by our own mind, about how they act, how they perceive, what they should be doing is all filtered and processed by our mind and own only.

We exist in the range of our own universe, hence why we should heighten our knowledge through Consciousness.

We didn't see the plane when we were in a building but we heard them flying above and we saw in our mental picture either its white + red or white + blue colored plane.

Everything exists in a space of our own creation of between mind + emotion producing what we call reality.

Thus the dialectical between U turn and spiral only exists in regards of concerns we had on what others think of us.

Again it's us versus us.

U turn connotes with making mistakes.

Spiral is indeed a process. We can be wrong and then right, and then wrong again and then right again. Either way our path gets clearer, brighter and lighter as we move on.

A spiral when taking form does indeed look like a U turn, only that it does not stop.

It continues on, that's Growth.

We are beings similar like plants.

Growing above through our leaves and branches but also within our roots spreading underneath ground taking hold on the surface.

Be happy when it seems like we're turning back to past mistakes,

We are indeed on our way up to the tip of the lighthouse.

Shining bright with a view of the whole horizon while casting light towards ships and boats guiding them to where they're supposed to go.

Comfort vs Pain

~the pain of having to get up again after only 5 minutes resting on the sofa upon arrival from a long day of work.

~the monthly mental clogged in your mind when your financial plan didn't go as planned (again)

~the same goal facing detour again, this year and have to be brought forward another year. 

These are all the side effects of comfort.

The key is to change the whole concept. 

Instead of chasing comfort and getting a free ticket to depression.

How about embracing the pain of everyday living.

Accepting the pain of no rest,  realize that things don't happen to you but FOR you and have a pure innocent belief that the universe is working for you in the background.

Change the whole concept instead of pursuing, focusing, prioritizing comfort.

How about embracing Pain.

Because it is where the lesson is, the upgrades, the level up. The magic of, Growth.

Embrace pain, instead of getting a free ticket to depression, how about booking a flight to Freedom.